On the fading edge of twilight.

Good evening readers,

I was looking at my previous post, and thinking about it, and decided that I need to start writing... well... Whats in my heart, about my struggles, my accomplishments.. About the joys and sorrows on a path long tread..

Or is it long tread? Sometimes I look at my emotional, mental, and spiritual development, and that path that I'm trying to walk, and wonder how often I really am trying to continue walking it, and how many times I just sit at the edge of a mist-shrouded lake on a quiet bench, looking away from the path to peace thats right behind me.

I've been sitting a long while, I think, and I stand and walk over to the path, all set to start out. I look down its tree shrouded cover, a few errant fall leaves drifting to earth on the wind that dances through the branches overhead, and I think... I am ready.. its time. And I pack my bags, and make sure I have everything, and walk a little further.

Sometimes I come back to that bench, sometimes I walk along to another further along the path. I feel that I've come further than I ever have before, but not far enough, but the path ahead is new and open, and a little darker than usual. I can feel the night setting in overhead, a time when on this path everything will be dark, mysterious and unknown. My health lay ahead, but I fear I must walk through the night to get there.

The point of this rambling, this contemplation and kicking around the point, is this. The baggage has to stay behind, but its been my clothing for so long I don't know how to survive without it. My trusty walking stick is starting to look more and more like a crutch, and it seems all my tools have become restraints. So this time I try to leave them behind... I need new tools.

And among those new tools is this journal, and a contemplation of how I think, versus how I feel.

And tonights topic shall be: Anger, Elitism, and Defensiveness.

One of the things that I find most troublesome about myself is that paradox. I wish peace and stillness in my soul, but seem to seek out and thrive on conflict. I will take positions for the mere sake of being in opposition to whomever I come up against, ((Though admittedly, never against what i believe to be my 'core values')). I say that I am accepting, open-minded, and nonjudgmental... But that isn't true, not at all. I am VERY judgmental, just not in the way that most people are. And that right there is a judgmental statement.

I get angry with people who hold views dramatically different than mine, people who don't believe that they should help those around them. Or if they do, feel that their responsibility where their hand out ends. I get angry with people who have the gall to believe that the New Sci-Fi version of Dune is better than David Lynchs version, that Firefly isn't a good show, and most especially, those that feel that their religion is the only RIGHT way.

Which shows my own arrogance in believing that my way is the only right way. I don't think it, but I react it.

And I ask myself why?

Some of the answers that come to mind are things like: Because I feel that someone who's opinion is in opposition to my own somehow invalidates me. (Note: Not my BELIEFS, but me).. This is something I need to let go of. I want to be more than the kind of person who wants to believe that everyone has their own belief, philosophy, religion, and ideals, and are entitled to them. I want to be the person who not only believes it, but lives it.

To that end, I'm going to start watching myself, and being more careful about what I say. Part of this is going to require another challenge conquered, and that is my tendency to speak emotionally, rather than rationally. I know rational speech does not require divorcing oneself from emotion, but it does require examination of ones emotions and motives of saying what they are about to say, and being sure its what you really want to say.

I've said a great many things I don't really believe because I was responding this way, and only wanting to attack the person I was in opposition with. Understandably this happens most often when I'm engaged in a tense emotional conversation and am getting angry.

To come around again to the point:
From here on out, I'm going to pay attention to what I say, type, and think, and start working on rooting out the bad habits. My goal is... Well.. Lets state it clearly shall we?


My goal is to become a truly open-minded, empathic person who can disagree with what someone else believes or says without attacking them, who can accept the person for who and what they are without feeling like I need to 'fix' them. I will become the kind of person who says what they mean, does not speak needlessly, and will know when its time to do neither, but to listen.

I will understand that others not believing what I believe does not invalidate my own beliefs, be it taste in music, book, movie, people, or religion. But at the same time I will stand up for what I believe in when the moment is right. And in all of this, I will seek to find a peace within myself not dependent upon the thoughts, beliefs, and feelings of others, while always taking those into consideration.

And for those soldiers who may read this, and will understand: I will work to be the kind of citizen of the coming Utopian Playland, who will work to make it a place for everyone and everykind to feel welcome by my actions and deeds.

Peace is a choice, and while in the world it can be difficult to make peace between countries comprised of thousands/millions of individuals, its harder still to find peace with ourselves.

*sets down his walking stick, his bags, and, just himself, walks into the fading twilight, to the night that lay beyond*

Forever Young

Something about this video spoke to me today.

I was sitting at home today, listening to music while working, and flipping through that website... When I came to this site and saw little Andrew singing that song. And while looking at him, I saw something I longed for more than words can say.

I want to be young again, I know this is something a lot of people say, but I wonder, sometimes, if they catch the full scope of what they mean by that. For me it means being at peace with the world around me, because most of it just simply isn't my concern. There's that aspect of 'being taken care of' so you only have to worry about the little things, which are the big things to you because of the world you live in. But mostly, its being utterly unconcerned about everything else in the world but that which affects you directly, and not letting ANYTHING get you down for long, because the next minute is always a bright one.

But as an adult, we can't be taken care of like that, except for a very fortunate few of us. And really, even then, there's a much greater sense of peace and satisfaction in being able to take care of yourself, and having pretty much everything in hand. And I realize when I look around at the life that I have, that I'm almost where I want to be. Some of it is my own issues keeping me where I am, in this rut, and tangled up in everything I've learned through the years.

Its time to start unlearning....

Time to set aside the worries that don't matter, take care of the ones that do, and be sure to know the difference. To take care of the things that need taking care of, because life never feels so good as when all your proverbial shit is in order. When you can look around, and with a quiet sigh let go of the stress of 'needing to get things done', you know you can start doing what you want to.

Right now, I tend to live in the world of always having something to do, but avoiding getting it done by hiding in my hobbies and work. Lately I've been feeling like I just want to go to sleep. Its time to start getting them done, all of them, take care of things and leave the rest to lay.

I need to start finding my sense of satisfaction, and paying attention to it, and doing what I need to to seek that sense again. Because thats what the most important thing in life is, being satisfied with where you are, so you can start building to where you want to be. In satisfaction you find stillness, in stillness you find peace, and in peace you find the clarity to seek the future with eyes wide open and heart whole.

Lao Tzu once said.... "To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

A wise man that... Maybe its time to see if I can make my Universe Surrender.

Saxophone and Cacophany

*Sits in candlelight, Cakes 'Friend is a four letter word' playing, puffing on an imaginary Djharim Black Clove*

Good evening.. For you who follow this blog, I'm sure you've noticed I haven't updated the weight loss progression. Fear not, its still being updated, just not being posted online at this point. I'm going to limit myself to once a week postings of that, as those will provide the most relevant information.

This evening I'm sitting at home, and getting ready to leave to pick up a friend of Z and mines for the weekend. I've had the oddest mood of melancholy come over me this eve, for no.. Well no, for a few reasons I'm intimately aware of. What I'm *NOT* sure is what made those reasons rear their ugly head. Time will tell, or not I suppose.

I'm well enough, and just felt like posting something here this evening before I leave. So there it is, posted, wish me luck, I'm introducing a newbie to Dungeons and Dragons this weekend. Can only be fun.

July 28th, 2008
------------------------
Current Balance for Week of 07/28/08-08/02/08
Basal Metabolic Rate: 2102
Calories Consumed: 1435.5
Calories Burned: 450
Balance: -1116.5
Starting Weight: 225
Current Weight: Will weigh in morning.
Goal Weight: 180
Pounds to GO: 45

So this is it, the first day 'back on the wagon' as it were.. I didn't do terribly well in my diet, I consumed approximately 490 calories of just plain crap. (A charleston chew, and a chick-o-stick, my weaknesses), but on the other hand I'm still 1000+ calories under.. I actually need to consume a little more today, and I'll update this post when I do.

To give myself, and anyone reading this (Which I'm sure is just my one loyal hanger-on) a refresher.... In order to burn one pound of fat, one must have a deficit of 3500 calories. Its only considered 'safe' to burn 2 pounds a week, so no more than 7000 calories down a week.

Revisiting that, it occurs to me I actually *DON'T* have much further to go this evening, I should consume no more than 116 more calories today to come out where I should be. That being said, I'll likely have a plum or somethin' for dinner.. Thank goodness I had a late lunch.

As a side note: I'm also taking a multi-vitamin now (All organic and food based products).

If I manage the 2 pounds a week, I should reach my target weight of 180 pounds in 23 weeks (rounding up)... Or just under 6 months. Which means by Christmas I should be where I want to be, and ready to start the year off with another goal in mind. Something around the 160 mark I imagine. But for now, my goal is 180 by Christmas.. I think I can manage that.

And so we start again... again... Or "C'mon! I just want to lose 45 pounds to start with! How hard is that?"

So... Its been a while since I posted on my weight loss regime, though I continued longer than this blog attests to... Even got down to 209 pounds at one point.

And then I fell off the wagon, and I'm back up to 225... I'll be starting again, as I now realize I was HALFWAY there. I'll begin again, and I will beat this thing.. I wish to be healthy, well-built, and happy with my appearance. I have a target in mind for this, beyond merely weight, it is in fact my appearance that will be the gauge I judge by.

So starting tomorrow, I'll be kicking it off again with detailed posting and tracking..

And hopefully some actual POSTING as well..

I learned something new today... Or perhaps something old came out of the fog of selective memory, and I understand something further about myself.. This helps to make everything clearer as its the root of one major problem, and perhaps more.

March 31st
------------------------
Current Balance for Week of 03/30/08 - 04/05/08: -396
Basal Metabolic Rate: 2102
Calories Consumed: 2132
Calories Burned: 860
Balance: -396
Starting Weight: 226
Current Weight: 225
Goal Weight: 180

April 1st
------------------------
Current Balance for Week of 03/30/08 - 04/05/08: -1896
Basal Metabolic Rate: 2102
Calories Consumed: 1690
Calories Burned: 1088
Balance: -1500
Starting Weight: 226
Current Weight: 225
Goal Weight: 180

Day 5, and first weeks weigh-in.

Woohoo! After a week of workin' me buns off I successfully dropped a full pound! Little more than actually if you ask the scale. My starting weight this week was actually about 226.4, and the scale read an even 225.0 this morning!

I'm recording it as 1 pound, but it was actually 1.4. ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------
Starting Date: 03/25/08
Starting Weight: 226
Current Weight: 225
Goal: 180
Pounds lost: 1
Pounds to Go: 45

Day 4 of the new exercise Regime. :)

No workout this morning, got up late to go to work.. Sleeping in was nice though.

Did an hour on the Exercycle this evening, + Lifting weights for 20 minutes. Turned up the Resistance on the Bike by one notch, noticeable difference.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Starting Date: 03/25/08
Starting Weight: 226
Current Weight: 226
Goal: 180
Ponds to Go: 46
Pounds lost: None.. YET.

No workout this morning, taking it easy so as to keep from going overboard. Also, weariness from exercise is affecting my mood, so taking a day to rest. Tomorrow its back to the grind. I may consider alternating back and forth (side to side!). Looking into some exercise that focuses on my torso, since i have the arms and legs covered.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Starting Date: 03/25/08
Starting Weight: 226
Current Weight: 226
Goal: 180
Ponds to Go: 46
Pounds lost: None.. YET.

Changing Moods like Tides.

So I got in my Hour of bicycling this evening, complete with the reps for the arms. But I'm very tired now, and I notice my mood declining with my weariness.

And my weariness-induced moods brings out such questions as... Do I annoy Zahrah? Its so hard to read her sometimes, and her body language and behaviour towards me has changed a great deal in the time we've been together. I'm trying to learn to read her now, but it often feels like she's keeping her distance.

And yet when I think of this, I think of her cuddling up behind me at night. I think of the kiss goodbye in the mornings.... And I just feel a little lost.

I want to know whats wrong.. With me in general. Why I have such a hard time staying just generally happy and bright. Why I worry so about people leaving me. She says she loves me, and she's one of the most solid, truthful, honest people I know. She won't even tell me the little lies about me being handsome. Though truthfully that one lack of deception does sting a little.

It brings to light that I'm perfectly happy with her the way she is, and I find her attractive the way she is. But not so the other way around.. Oh, she finds me handsome, but physically I'm not appealing.

Maybe its just that because she's... I don't want to say MINE... But just take that as it is and don't take it to mean more than that. She's sexy because she's mine, because I love her, because I'm the only one who gets to see her in all her glory. Because I intend on spending the rest of my life with her, and my love for her makes her beautiful.

But I know I am merely handsome to her. And while that is not something, I would dearly love to be Sexy for her. And hence my new exercise regiment. Don't judge me for doing it for someone else, we all must have our motivation, and thats mine. One purr, one heated glance at me, one spark of desire at seeing me bare. Thats worth all the pain in the world to me right now.

*sighs*

Anyway.. I don't know where i was going with this, I just wanted to write and see if it helped me feel better. It really didn't, but at least I got it out.

The morning after.

So I didn't sleep well last night, woke up at 1am fidgety and still feeling rotten. Sometime during the night Zahrah rolled over and cuddled up behind me, and everything was alright again.

I woke up this morning feeling vestiges of the rotten, but mostly feeling okay and put together. It bothers me when stuff like last night hits, because things have been going so well, and I don't know how to put a stop to it. Guess thats what therapies for though, right?

----
Starting Date: 03/25/08
Starting Weight: 226
Current Weight: 226
Goal: 180
Pounds to Go: 46
Pounds lost: None.. YET.

That being said.

Don't know if I mentioned it last night, and I'm too lazy to go check, but I started dieting and exercise this week. Last night I spent an hour on the Exercycle, and spent half of THAT doing reps of 20 with alternating arms with a 5# weight.

Did the same thing this morning, only I added a... whatchamahoosit, when you stretch your arm out stiff and go from side to outstretched. Figured I should work my shoulders as well as my biceps.. And *OW* did I feel it. I may do some more later on on my breaks.. Seems a good way to spend 'em.

So from now on, I'll be posting a progress report int he exercise/weight loss department, and lets start with the starting numbers:

Wish me luck!

A long respite.

Good evening readers... Yes, I'm back again after a short hiatus from writing.

Some things to know..

Our Roommate Aaron moved out, and this has definitely taken some stress off of the house for me. I've been lighter of mood, less stressed out in general, happy. The reasons behind this bother me, but I've been enjoying the sensation.

But after a brief respite, it feels like those feelings are creeping back up on me again. I can feel them tonight, trying to drag down my mood, and it infuriates me, or perhaps frightens me is a better statement.

I don't want any of those feelings back again, none of the sadness and depression. And yet, here they seem to be on my doorstep. Its been a couple of weeks since I last saw my Therapist, and I'm intending on setting up another appointment two Mondays from now to continue my work with him. I had a week or so of what 'better' feels like, for the most part, and I want more of it.

In other news:
I started a diet today. This is my blog, so in part I'll be brutally honest about my reasons for starting it. They are two fold: I want to look better, feel better, have more energy, and in all seriousness hope it contributes to making my ED go away. (There ya go, for those who didn't know.). I'm doing it to help support my Zahrah as well, as she has started dieting as well.

But the big reason.. Tied into those mentioned earlier.. Is I want to see the look of appreciation for my physical form in Zahrah's eyes. I know she thinks I'm handsome, what she doesn't think is that I'm sexy. Can I blame her? I'm 5' 6", 226 pounds, I have quite the belly on me, and a waning stamina.

I want to see her hungry for me, and to be someone, physically, she can find herself hungry for. Oh, we still make love, and she still initiates on occasion. But.. well.. *sighs* I'm doing it for my own self-esteem. I want that look.

A quiet evening.

Good evening readers,
Writing tonight.. To write, I suppose. Nothin' real to say, nothin' much to talk about. Mostly, I'm tired at the moment. There's been a lovely snow storm over the weekend, about 6-8" all told, though its hard to tell because a portion of it melted. and then refroze, and then got snowed on again. Once again the valley in which I live is painted a white paradise, and everything is pure and clean.
A wonderful thought, isn't it? A few inches of sparkling white over a weekend, and everything is beautiful and clear, smooth and unsullied. But it can't hide whats underneath forever, the snow melts, the water runs, and the landscape beneath is bared, in all its beauty in a bath of green, its dark corners, and roughness. There is ugliness there, but there's also beauty.
The white is beautiful, true. But its not real, its simply a blanket covering the truth. My snow is starting to melt, I'm beginning to find the me underneath, and the mirror sheen on the pools of my eyes are cracking away, showing me the world as it really exists beyond.

Its scary, because I can't see clearly now, worse than before sometimes. But that being said, when the last crystals fall away, and its all bared... What will I see, and what will I be, and will it have felt better under the hoary frost?

Aodhans list of things to remember...

This is going to be the start of, I hope, a habit.

Its a way to remind myself of the things my honey does to show she loves me, that I deeply appreciate when she does them. They're everything from little seemingly inconsequential things, to things of great consequence. And they'll be added little by little as time goes on.

To start the list this morning...

* Every morning when she gets out of the van to go to work, she tells me she loves me, and kisses me before she goes.

* She thinks of me when she's at the Co-Op shopping, and brings me home the occasional treat, like Chocolate Almond milk.

* She holds me and listens when I have a bad patch, and understands how hard counseling can be.

* She writes with me.

* She used to make me breakfast, and still does sometimes, and has only stopped because I'm not usually hungry when she's making breakfast. The same goes for Tea.

If wishes were fishes... I'd see everything in scale.

I figure perhaps opening on a wry comedic note might be a good thing today.

With every passing day I see how broken I am, and what it does to those around me. I am getting better, I'm feeling better.

But when I slip, my god do I. I hate the harm I do, and I want to stop doing it. I wish it were just as simple as 'be normal, stop freaking out'. But its not, and it drives me to insanity some days. Oh wait, I'm already here..

But in the sense of scale.. Right now everything seems so out of proportion, the bad things seem bigger, the good things smaller, little inconsequential things loom like giants, where things of great importance creep like ants in the dark.

I can't see clearly, its like I need glasses of a rose-tinted shade just to see everything normally. And its work, constant, everyday, painful work. And it gets very, very, very tiring.

I'm also having to learn how to stop being selfish. Because I've realized I'm *VERY* selfish, and very used to being selfish.. So used to it I didn't even realize what it was.

And I need to learn how to get control when I'm panicking and my emotions are running rampant and I'm FRANTIC for some kind of solution to what I'm feeling. Because I inflict unfairness on others, and I don't behave like I love my Zahrah as much as I do when I'm in that state.

And its not fair to her, and it hurts us both when it happens. And then all the good progress we've made backslides and has to build up again.

I feel like we've been falling further and further behind for a very long time. And recently I've just felt like we've been making progress in moving forward together and I feel like I've been able to earn back some of that trust and the openness of love we had.

Then I do something that, in an instant, sets us back again. I'm tired of stepping constantly forward and back. I want to move forward, I don't want to be healing anymore, I want to be healed.

I'm tired of hurting her. Period. I'm tired of being the cause of any tears, any unhappiness. I'm tired of it.

I wish I could just say "I am done. I'm better, starting now." and be better.

All I can do is look forward and think... I'm working. I'm healing.. But it takes time.

I hope we survive it.

A new rotten evening.. by yours truly..

You know what the absolute worst thing you can do is when you're feeling like a situation has left you out and you're not part of the fun and joy of that occasion?

Accidentally ruin the good things goin' on by bein' a party pooper.

I'm making somewhat light of it, but thats what I did tonight.


Worse? My honey tried to include me, but by that point I had gotten dark and broody and then just reacted childishly to the whole situation. She got understandably hurt and upset, and stated she needed time alone.

I'm not good at that, so not good in fact that she's now at her parents, likely for the whole night. All because I couldn't give her time to herself to come down from a very justifiable mad.

The worst part of these is that the logical rational part of my mind says "It isn't over, she'll be back, and you'll get through this. She knows you've been working at getting better, she's commented herself on how you've improved. The climb up is a dumb time to quit, and she knows it."

The other part knows just how bad of an ass of a prat I can be. And that even for all her strength she can only take so much. She loves me, things have been better this week past, but I screwed up tonight.

I know I'm running out of chances, and I hope this isn't the last one. I don't think it will be, and its to my credit that its gotten to 'I don't think', because it used to be a certainty that it was.

I've learned faith in her, and in us. Now I just need to start curing those situations that cause this one. Because its become a BIG one. Can't do it anymore, I just can't.

I want to be happy, just for a day at first, (which has happened), then a couple in a row.. Then a week.

And it feels to me like I've gotten up to a week more and more often here lately. I hope she sticks in there a while longer. I think I've almost got this thing licked.

Please god..

Help her to not give up yet.

Another Saturday has arrived.

And I'm determined to not have another 'bad saturday'. They're inane and stupid, to sound perfectly petulant about it. And truly, those issues are slowly beginning to wash their way from my heart anyway. And this is, in no small part, due to a realization I made last night about the nature of my condition.

Part of my insecurity, though not my overall situation, lay in the fact that I have been having trouble feeling the 'bond' between my love and I. We spend delightful days and evenings together, wake up to one another. Generally enjoy each others presence, but out of a fear I'm slowly overcoming now that I've recognized it, I've not been able to feel that bond as deeply as I once did.

I'm working on that now, not sure how, but I am. Trying to be more aware of it, and less aware of the fear. I need to let that subside, fade away. This morning I feel confident I can move forward with letting this go. It feels like it will almost be easy.

Its kind of like a certain scene involving Patrick in 'Coupling', where he realizes what his problem is and suddenly. Its no longer a problem. Its not quite that quick, but it has a similar feel to it.

I have to be off to work today, but I wanted to share this. Its long past time to move on, but I come from a family of the habitually late. Thankfully, its not TOO late, just tarrying a bit behind. The trip should be easier though, I have less baggage. Home is waiting for me at my journeys end, and as most journeys worth taking, the real destination is my point of departure.

To Zahrah, should she read this, I love you dear, fully and completely. I have a lifetime remaining to show you how much, and to thank you for everything you've done. I'll always be grateful for who you are, and the blessing you are in my life. I love you my dear, my Samajal.

Thank you.

Prelude in Cerulean Blue

Good day to you readers!

This weekend past has resulted in some rather interesting revelations that shouldn't be revelations, but are. In the depths of my mind, I felt a window open, a window between the person I was, and the person I am, and ultimately, the realization that I'm a bit of both. But we can see each other, this other and I, and we can begin finding our common ground. As I put it to my dearest love this weekend past, I feel like I can see the road home again, and the candle she's kept burning in the window. I'm a long way off, with a long way to go, but I can SEE the road again.

Its something of a relief, to realize that I am making progress, that I am healing, and bridging the gulf that was formed in me.

A lot of whats been going on with me is being over-whelmed by fears from my past, this is not news, I know that. But its whats been happening. I've even been over-powered by fears that I've simply never faced down, mostly insecurities and such. But I feel like I can see them now, I'm not being attacked in the dark. I can see my fears, and know where they come from and what they are, and this being found. I can defend myself against them, and build myself up stronger again. And find my simple joys and happiness.

There was a lot of that this weekend with my honey, simple fun, simple joys. The joy of waking up next to her, and just lying there with my arm around her while she sleeps. Of playing games together, of relaxing and having a good time together. And I learned a bit more about us, and her, and how she feels and thinks. She's so very careful about what she says to me and doesn't about her stresses where I'm concerned, because she doesn't want me to worry, because I'm *BETTER* when I'm not worrying. But sometimes, knowing whats in her head helps me to NOT worry.

Point being.. I'm feeling better, and a kind of feeling better that makes me think it may stick, and it will just be learning to climb from here on up.

Bits of observation.

Yes yes, I realize I just posted a few minutes ago. But thats kind of the point, I felt the other posting needed to stand alone. It was a singularly composed thought. This post, however, is just about observations I make about me.

This morning, sitting at the table with my fiance, I was trying to start up some small talk. It didn't even occur to me that my two basic starting statements were "Are you ok?" (It was 6am, I would imagine the answer could be "As well as could be expected at this time of the morning.") and then, "You feelin' alright this mornin'?".

Things to know about my dear Z, she looks beautiful, no matter what the hour. But being tired casts a decided emotional pall over her, at least, her 'I'm depressed' face, and her 'I'm tired' face are almost indistinguishable from one another. So that was kind of the basis of it, I also didn't have much to say.

She pointed out the problem of this approach to conversation, so I changed gears and asked her about work. Much better approach. And we chatted for a bit, so that was better.

Anyway, that wasn't the observation I started to write about, but its a good one none-the-less. The observation I actually meant to write about was the fact that when you're tired is not the best time to take stock of your emotional condition. Everything bites deeper and feels more pronounced when you're tired. Important to note that in many cases this goes for happiness as well as sorrow and worry.

Now unfortunately this means that for the next bit its going to be a bit rocky in the emotional department. We're shifting gears to get Z off to work on the bus at OMG its dark-30. (Otherwise known as 6:30am at the bus-stop). This basically shifts our cost to get her to work from about 50$ a week in gas, 200-250$ a month in gas... Or 20$ a month in a bus pass. Its kind of a no brainer.

But that puts us both in a state of being tired, and with me that means more emotional instability. Sleeping once she's up is a non-possibility. I just can't sleep when she's in our house and not in our bed, (Not that I put that responsibility on her mind, its my own hang-up.). And once I'm up in the morning, I'm up.

But! On the plus side, I'm aware of it! And that makes a massive difference in my ability to cope.

For the Grace of God Go I.

Sometimes a song says all you have to say for you... While I can't identify why, this song strikes me as the mood for this morning.

Grace of God Go I
by Flogging Molly

Lookin' down through a tide of no return
Is a field where the crops no longer grow
Parched is the land, strangled an' be damned
There for the Grace Of God Go I

Down beside where the riverbed sleeps
Is a man not knowin' what he should feel
Mocked by the wave that beats the waters edge
There for the Grace Of God Go I

If I ever hurt another like thee again
I would drown myself beneath your name
Lost was the child, we all once did hide
There for the Grace Of God Go I

Melodies in the afterdark.

Good evening readers. Its been a good long while since I posted anything that was dreary and dark. So today I come to you with, at the least, no personal tragedies. No dark thoughts or self-deprecation.

Today I come to you with a song. Its not a *HAPPY* song, but its a powerful song. And as any of you who know me will understand, I am drawn to that which evokes strong emotion. It doesn't matter whether its emotions of joy, or terror, or depression. Musics job is to make you feel, as is any arts. And so I bring to you, art. If you've ever been in the situation this song describes, as offender or the offended, prepare to have yourself rocked to your core.

The artist who made the video is not the artist who made the song, nor is it the video the artist developed to be associated with it. But the artist who did this one, has shown them how its done properly.

"Its too late to Apologize" by "Timbaland", originally by "One Republic"

Do not make the mistake of merely listening to the song while not watching the video, you'll miss the impact this incredibly talented artist has put into bringing forth the emotion the song describes.

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That being out of the way.

Today is going pretty darn well for me. I haven't made mention of my new job yet in this Blog, so perhaps I should do so now. I work for Alpine Access as a customer service agent. This allows me the glorious opportunity of working from home, combining all the best parts of working at home with working in an office, and ditching some of the negatives of both. I get paid regular hourly wages, but never have to get dressed for work, drive in inclement weather, or have anyone over my shoulder. The only thing that matters is that I do my job, and do it well. Which means I can chat with my friends online, play LOTRO while between calls, and generally keep my very active mind focused on work by keeping it busy with other things. I could only be happier if it paid better money, and I didn't have child support coming out. But hey, you can't win them all. :) At least not without the cheat codes. Anyone has those for life, let me know, k?

*Switches gears out of the previous song to 'Written in Blood' by 'She wants Revenge'*

Anyway, mostly wonderful moods today and yesterday. Z and I've been playing a great deal of LOTRO lately, and thats been a great deal of fun. Especially since I can take advantage of my slow work days to make food and jewelry for our lower level characters. Essentially, I have ascended to Master Farmer status on the back of 'slow calls', and getting paid all the while. Yes my friends, this is the way to live.

In other news, I've managed to get myself a business license, and am slowly but shirley... Anyway.. Surely working my way up towards getting the webpage worked up to be a real functioning business site. For those of you that don't know I'm the sole proprietor of 'Arcadian Nights', a business dedicated to making delightful soaps, bath, and body products, to include wonderful Massage Bars, Coffee Flavored soaps, and the like. It started out as a concept for putting together baskets of this sort of thing designed for 'romantic nights' that are themed. IE - Carribean Nights, with Doubloon shaped bath fizzies that makes the water sparkle with gold, that remains when the bather steps out. Massage bars shaped like Treasure chests that, as they melt, reveal pieces of nice jewelry, scented candles and skull and crossbone candle holders, and a few other trinkets of that nature.

It never made that step forward, though its still on the horizon, right now we're still developing products and experimenting with what we have. We've found a few recipes we like, a few that make our noses twitch, and are constantly looking forward for more things of this type. Slowly but surely, the business is becoming a reality. We even have a couple regular customers and business cards!

That being said...

I have a fever, and the only thing for it, is more cowbell!!

:-))

I hate Saturdays...

Strange but true... You see, I work on Saturdays.. So on Saturdays I wake up to my honey, who will be staying in bed a bit longer, and crawl off to my computer to work. Thats not so bad. But then she gets up, and heads downstairs for her day. At this point I get to listen to her laughing and having a good time hanging out with our roommate. This always creeps in and begins to bother me after a while. Mainly because... Well...

I'm no fun anymore.. I think I realize this, or maybe I'm wrong.. I don't know. But I don't *FEEL* like I'm any fun anymore. I feel like she laughs easier and louder with other people, that my company isn't what it once as for her. I'm sure this is true. After all, I tend to be trying so desperately just to get her approval, to see her smile or laugh at something I say or do. Because I feel lost, distant, and without any guide. Saturdays remind me that I'm broken more than any other day. They remind me how distant I feel from life in general, like I'm watching it go on around me and desperately want to be involved.

But when I try... I just stumble, say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I feel awkward and graceless. And it makes me feel lonely.

Sure, this isn't her problem. Or anyones problem but mine. I mentioned to her once how I feel about the whole 'laughing' thing. Not because I wanted her to change it, its not her responsibility. But because sharing that kind of thing is important, communication and all. She looked at me and said 'Maybe if you didn't look at it like a competition'.

I don't... I'm not jealous of him because he makes her laugh easier and louder.

I feel... Inadequate.. I feel like I've lost myself and my ability to make her smile. And I miss her smile being for me. Instead I seem to dampen a room when I walk into it now.

So anyway.. I hate Saturdays.. yes I do.

Pale Blue Eyes...

Good even fair gentles... I'm writing tonight, more because I want to get back in the habit, than out of any real comments to make. Also, I'm quite certain most of my readers have faded into the mist in my six month absence. I have discovered a song tonight that was left on my computer by my dear Niece. It struck a chord, and has been on continual replay since first I heard it. It is called 'Pale Blue Eyes' by an independent artist named Barzin. I cannot recommend this song enough.

For those of you who are smokers, this might make sense to you. This song made me nostalgic for the time when I smoked, and I wished for nothing more than to curl up in a candlelit room, with incense, this song, and a cigarette and just let it wash over me. I settled for an adult beverage in place of the cigarette. I needn't tell you it didn't quite do the job, but its less likely to give me cancer, so I suppose thats something.

I missed my appointment with my therapist this week due to snow killing the battery on our van. It amused me a little, usually its the snow itself stopping transportation as opposed to the temperature. And I had had a particularly bad few days previous, and had hoped to see him. Sometimes I don't know if its doing any good, and I realize I haven't been going long enough to really tell. But often I feel like the problems I have, I'm simply too aware of for therapy to help. I mean, I know what the problems are, don't I? Its just a matter of what to do about them.

Mostly, I just want to set them down and walk away... If only it were so simple.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I haven't a lot to say this evening, and most of what I did have to say was rehash. Just to get it out of the way, I'm doing much better after the bad few days last week. Not at peak, but doing better.

Sleep well friends, may the gentle wings of sleep carry you safe till morning, and peace be by you when you wake.

Movement beneath the Ice

Good day to you readers.. Its been many a passing of the moon since I spoke to you last. There's reasons and reasons for that, most of them involving me not having the energy to write any further. Some of them have to do with having nothing I felt was worthy of putting pen to paper, and some of that was due to be it being dark and venomous.

Sometimes its better to writhe in your own dark, than invite others to join you there. I chose to spare you from as much of that as I could.

As it sits, things here in the Valley are well enough, things are improving with my lady love and I, but are far from perfect. I'm in counseling to try to get past my issues, but sometimes I feel like I've left an indelible mark on our relationship. Sometimes I wonder whether we'll ever truly recover from that, and sometimes I just wonder if even things hadn't gone bad for awhile, if they'd still be the same.

Mostly these days I find myself not knowing how I should feel, having been told the way I feel is the wrong way to feel for so long, I don't know whats real emotions. I don't know what I really see or think, and what I make up. Even my memories tend to be untrustworthy, or if not my memories themselves, than my interpretation of the events in those memories.

Which really... Just leaves me exhausted, and tired, and confused. The only thing I'm reasonably sure of is my love for Zahrah. Its the only thing that seems to remain constant. But I no longer know what I'm supposed to do about it. Who I was and how I used to behave no longer seem to be the right ways to behave. And some of the new behaviours are certainly not good, and those are the ones I'm working to correct. But I often wander lost in my own mind, thinking about every action I could possibly take, every affection I could pass, the words I could speak. Because I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or what of its really how I want to act, and how much of it is just me seeking reassurance, or comfort.

She's had to provide so much of that that I'm reluctant to ask for more, especially when I ask for it and am refused. She has the right to refuse me any affection, from a simple kiss to making love, as does anyone. But sometimes I don't take it so well, so I decide not to ask at all rather than try to wrestle the emotions that come up with the perceived 'rejection'.

Has anyone else out there ever been in a situation where you feel others make the love of your life happier than you yourself do? One of my biggest points of 'jealousy' is watching her with our roommate and guests. They seem to make her so much happier so much easier, she laughs brighter and quicker, smiles more.. And I know its because I'm a pile of complicated emotions and behaviours, and she often doesn't know whats going to set me off. And sometimes I'm unresponsive, or lacking in anything to say, and that makes me feel awkward and out of place. I'm not blaming her or anyone else for it, these are my reactions to the situations I see. But sometimes I respond with feelings of being very alone and outside the social situation.

I'm doing better, much as it may sound like I'm not. And all of this observation is part of me doing better. But I think I'm at the hard spot now, I'm aware of all the knots that've been tied in my perceptions, the veils that've been put over them. But I don't know which is which and whats what these days, so I wander in dark, dusty unfamiliar hallways trying to remember which of these windows isn't tinted with fear, pain, loss, rejection.. Which one of them looks out on the world as it is, rather than how I see and experience it.

It leaves one feeling very uncertain.