On the fading edge of twilight.

Good evening readers,

I was looking at my previous post, and thinking about it, and decided that I need to start writing... well... Whats in my heart, about my struggles, my accomplishments.. About the joys and sorrows on a path long tread..

Or is it long tread? Sometimes I look at my emotional, mental, and spiritual development, and that path that I'm trying to walk, and wonder how often I really am trying to continue walking it, and how many times I just sit at the edge of a mist-shrouded lake on a quiet bench, looking away from the path to peace thats right behind me.

I've been sitting a long while, I think, and I stand and walk over to the path, all set to start out. I look down its tree shrouded cover, a few errant fall leaves drifting to earth on the wind that dances through the branches overhead, and I think... I am ready.. its time. And I pack my bags, and make sure I have everything, and walk a little further.

Sometimes I come back to that bench, sometimes I walk along to another further along the path. I feel that I've come further than I ever have before, but not far enough, but the path ahead is new and open, and a little darker than usual. I can feel the night setting in overhead, a time when on this path everything will be dark, mysterious and unknown. My health lay ahead, but I fear I must walk through the night to get there.

The point of this rambling, this contemplation and kicking around the point, is this. The baggage has to stay behind, but its been my clothing for so long I don't know how to survive without it. My trusty walking stick is starting to look more and more like a crutch, and it seems all my tools have become restraints. So this time I try to leave them behind... I need new tools.

And among those new tools is this journal, and a contemplation of how I think, versus how I feel.

And tonights topic shall be: Anger, Elitism, and Defensiveness.

One of the things that I find most troublesome about myself is that paradox. I wish peace and stillness in my soul, but seem to seek out and thrive on conflict. I will take positions for the mere sake of being in opposition to whomever I come up against, ((Though admittedly, never against what i believe to be my 'core values')). I say that I am accepting, open-minded, and nonjudgmental... But that isn't true, not at all. I am VERY judgmental, just not in the way that most people are. And that right there is a judgmental statement.

I get angry with people who hold views dramatically different than mine, people who don't believe that they should help those around them. Or if they do, feel that their responsibility where their hand out ends. I get angry with people who have the gall to believe that the New Sci-Fi version of Dune is better than David Lynchs version, that Firefly isn't a good show, and most especially, those that feel that their religion is the only RIGHT way.

Which shows my own arrogance in believing that my way is the only right way. I don't think it, but I react it.

And I ask myself why?

Some of the answers that come to mind are things like: Because I feel that someone who's opinion is in opposition to my own somehow invalidates me. (Note: Not my BELIEFS, but me).. This is something I need to let go of. I want to be more than the kind of person who wants to believe that everyone has their own belief, philosophy, religion, and ideals, and are entitled to them. I want to be the person who not only believes it, but lives it.

To that end, I'm going to start watching myself, and being more careful about what I say. Part of this is going to require another challenge conquered, and that is my tendency to speak emotionally, rather than rationally. I know rational speech does not require divorcing oneself from emotion, but it does require examination of ones emotions and motives of saying what they are about to say, and being sure its what you really want to say.

I've said a great many things I don't really believe because I was responding this way, and only wanting to attack the person I was in opposition with. Understandably this happens most often when I'm engaged in a tense emotional conversation and am getting angry.

To come around again to the point:
From here on out, I'm going to pay attention to what I say, type, and think, and start working on rooting out the bad habits. My goal is... Well.. Lets state it clearly shall we?


My goal is to become a truly open-minded, empathic person who can disagree with what someone else believes or says without attacking them, who can accept the person for who and what they are without feeling like I need to 'fix' them. I will become the kind of person who says what they mean, does not speak needlessly, and will know when its time to do neither, but to listen.

I will understand that others not believing what I believe does not invalidate my own beliefs, be it taste in music, book, movie, people, or religion. But at the same time I will stand up for what I believe in when the moment is right. And in all of this, I will seek to find a peace within myself not dependent upon the thoughts, beliefs, and feelings of others, while always taking those into consideration.

And for those soldiers who may read this, and will understand: I will work to be the kind of citizen of the coming Utopian Playland, who will work to make it a place for everyone and everykind to feel welcome by my actions and deeds.

Peace is a choice, and while in the world it can be difficult to make peace between countries comprised of thousands/millions of individuals, its harder still to find peace with ourselves.

*sets down his walking stick, his bags, and, just himself, walks into the fading twilight, to the night that lay beyond*

Forever Young

Something about this video spoke to me today.

I was sitting at home today, listening to music while working, and flipping through that website... When I came to this site and saw little Andrew singing that song. And while looking at him, I saw something I longed for more than words can say.

I want to be young again, I know this is something a lot of people say, but I wonder, sometimes, if they catch the full scope of what they mean by that. For me it means being at peace with the world around me, because most of it just simply isn't my concern. There's that aspect of 'being taken care of' so you only have to worry about the little things, which are the big things to you because of the world you live in. But mostly, its being utterly unconcerned about everything else in the world but that which affects you directly, and not letting ANYTHING get you down for long, because the next minute is always a bright one.

But as an adult, we can't be taken care of like that, except for a very fortunate few of us. And really, even then, there's a much greater sense of peace and satisfaction in being able to take care of yourself, and having pretty much everything in hand. And I realize when I look around at the life that I have, that I'm almost where I want to be. Some of it is my own issues keeping me where I am, in this rut, and tangled up in everything I've learned through the years.

Its time to start unlearning....

Time to set aside the worries that don't matter, take care of the ones that do, and be sure to know the difference. To take care of the things that need taking care of, because life never feels so good as when all your proverbial shit is in order. When you can look around, and with a quiet sigh let go of the stress of 'needing to get things done', you know you can start doing what you want to.

Right now, I tend to live in the world of always having something to do, but avoiding getting it done by hiding in my hobbies and work. Lately I've been feeling like I just want to go to sleep. Its time to start getting them done, all of them, take care of things and leave the rest to lay.

I need to start finding my sense of satisfaction, and paying attention to it, and doing what I need to to seek that sense again. Because thats what the most important thing in life is, being satisfied with where you are, so you can start building to where you want to be. In satisfaction you find stillness, in stillness you find peace, and in peace you find the clarity to seek the future with eyes wide open and heart whole.

Lao Tzu once said.... "To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

A wise man that... Maybe its time to see if I can make my Universe Surrender.

Saxophone and Cacophany

*Sits in candlelight, Cakes 'Friend is a four letter word' playing, puffing on an imaginary Djharim Black Clove*

Good evening.. For you who follow this blog, I'm sure you've noticed I haven't updated the weight loss progression. Fear not, its still being updated, just not being posted online at this point. I'm going to limit myself to once a week postings of that, as those will provide the most relevant information.

This evening I'm sitting at home, and getting ready to leave to pick up a friend of Z and mines for the weekend. I've had the oddest mood of melancholy come over me this eve, for no.. Well no, for a few reasons I'm intimately aware of. What I'm *NOT* sure is what made those reasons rear their ugly head. Time will tell, or not I suppose.

I'm well enough, and just felt like posting something here this evening before I leave. So there it is, posted, wish me luck, I'm introducing a newbie to Dungeons and Dragons this weekend. Can only be fun.