Of life's little placebos.

Today's Muse This, and a conversation with a friend, led to this post today. The conversation pertained to a particularly fucked up scenario that played out in our little cadre of friends and associates... I'd say it ended, but in many ways it hasn't, and never will. Fix that broken vase with as much paint and superglue as you want, it'll still always show the cracks if you look close enough. But this post isn't about them, that situation is as well on it's way to being repaired as it can be. Honestly, I envy their strength even as I pity the strife and pain the situation caused. No... This is a post about me, and how I wish I could protect myself from what I want. I keep throwing myself into situations that are, frankly, inadvisable. I follow my heart, and maybe that's a lot of the drive and problem there, but follow it I do. And when it talks, it tries to convince me that I'm stronger than I think I am. That what is this obstacle in the face of what we want? Looking back on it, of course, one must ask the question... What exactly is it we want? And is what looks like what we want really what we want? Does this obstacle, this act of strength to survive it, make what we think we want, less of what we 'really' want? I don't know that there's a clear answer. Life has a nasty habit of not giving us anything free and clear, we can get everything we want, but it'll come at a price. Everything has it's price. Sometimes that price is a demand on our comforts, our boundaries, our beliefs. Sometimes that price requires that we sacrifice everything we once held dear and holy on a pyre. Sometimes it's just a little time and money. The question we have to ask, in the end, is is it worth it? I don't suppose that we ever really know. All I know is that there's a price I've chosen to pay. But every time the price comes up, every time I'm reminded that pay day is an eventuality, not an if, I feel a little more like a beaten puppy. There's a sense of 'this again' and knowing that there's no escaping it. I suppose at least this time it's just a matter of time, one knows, one does not suspect. In the end, what I decided I want may end up being the very poison that burns me out. I made this choice, this was not a thing anyone but I did. I wish I didn't think I was going to regret it so much, a part of me already does. But there are promises to be keep...

The Flame and the Crystal

Tonight I sit quietly in my room, deep in contemplation. In the kitchen stands a beauty who doesn't know her worth, singing with the voice of angels unbound. Whenever she sings, she sings my favorite types of song, ones of woe and triumph, tragedy and sorrow. The kind of music that makes my heart beat quiet and cool, a moment of truly being alive. This is her wont, her style, and it just happens to match my tastes perfectly. (We won't talk about her taste in movies or popular music however, that's a bit less enticing). She's been through a lot in her life, and it's left her fractured and broken in a lot of ways. But it's also shaped her into the most beautiful crystal I've ever had the good fortune to share my life with. And, gentle readers, for those of you who know my past, that is certainly words worth considering. But this post isn't really about her, the crystal. It's about where I feel I lay in the analogy. The flame. It sounds like a vainglorious position to put myself in, but I hope you will come to know I mean it with the deepest humility. She has thought herself a thing without worth for most of her life, and I love her in the only way I know how. Which is a complete mystery to her. She thrives in it, and shines even brighter than she did before. It is not often in my life that I feel myself out-shined. And, for once, I am content to live in her shadow, to marvel at this miracle of creation. But don't worry, this post isn't merely the sentimental ramblings of a love-struck fool. It makes me consider my position, and my feelings about myself. Here I am, burning brightly, shining in the feelings of her love, and the reflection of her own light prisming out across the velvet black. I know I have my own inner strength, but it's hard for me to feel it. Because right now all I want is to be here, in this moment, drowning in it, and let the future be damned. I don't want to do anything but go to sleep in this perfect moment, and let it be the last thing I remember. Contentment. Many of you have known me on the seas, as a salty old Captain, and there's one thing that that mindset has imbued in me. The knowledge that life is one great sea, with many ports of call, but the storms always come. They'll be coming again and again, and all you can do is hope to find a port in the storm. Some sailors have had good fortune, finding a home port with familiar waters. They learn every reef, every pool, every secret cove in the beautiful complexity of an island. And this, they call home. A stick and palm branch shack on the shore, looking out over the seas they used to sail. Not with regret, but with fond memories, and knowing they've found a place they'll be content. I envy them. Those who have found their shore, their small island in the ocean that they know intimately. I don't know how they do it, I don't know how they and the natives of that isle find an accord that invites them in. And maybe that's the failing of my thought. I see them as a visitor to a place larger and greater than they. But my analogy includes the life that surrounds the island, the day to day. The people they come to know, those who make up their family, their friends. It may seem a strange place to be in ones mind at the beginning of a relationship... But I want to find home. Maybe I've just lost the will to believe it exists. What I do know is that this particular island in my life is among the most beautiful I've found. Not just the lovely woman in my life, but the friends I have, the things going on in my life. All in all, it's rather nice here. Not without it's dangers, but what place of beauty lacks those? I don't know how long I'll be ashore, life has taught me there's no knowing that. I am, however, determined to make the best of my stay.

Autumn Winds to Winter Sands

Good evening long neglected readers, There have been many, many changes in my life since last I wrote. Many long grueling hours of work, a continuing weekly visitation to CoDA meetings (yes, I'm still going), and an epic trek across the US to collect someone who's become most dear to my heart. So much to cover, so much time, and so many changes. Where to even begin... Let's start with CoDA. CoDA has become a very integral part of my week, I don't feel quite right if I don't go. The people who I see each week, old and new, have become rather important to me. More that they are there, suffering from the same things that plague me, and giving me a place to air the darker corridors of my mind. I find it cleansing, though I feel like I could be doing better work than I have been. But one day at a time, ya know? Right now the consistency of going is a solid change in and of itself. Never been very good at stick-with-it-ness. But this? This I'm sticking with, and thank your diety of choice for that. I've learned a lot, about myself, and others. I've watched those around me in that place grow, change, and some just maintain. I've seen people at all stages of their recovery, including the stage where you're just maintaining your current health. I've felt my own recovery fluxuate back and forth, days where I feel stronger, some where I'm barely able to hold my head up. The greatest gift it's given me is awareness, not just of myself, but of others. I've always been perceptive and able to read others to varying degrees, but I have always been my greatest mystery. That's changing these days as I'm able to identify my own internal waves, and seeing what generates them. And this leads to an interesting thought in and of itself. Perhaps not scientifically sound as a direct analog, but useful from a psychological standpoint. Emotions, methods of thinking, moods... They can all be very much looked at from a concept of wave forms. They are not things in and of themselves, but the reflection of things. Wind blows across the surface, small ripples form, but if the wind continues to blow, the ripples become waves, turning a glass sea into a torrent of choppy waves. We can calm these winds in our mind, if we think of them as our subconscious and active thoughts. But sometimes life throws a major change, an earthquake, and suddenly we're dealing with a tsunami. But like a tsunami, if we don't recognize the signs, it can suddenly crash into a towering wave destroying everything in it's path, without warning.. I'm going to leave this as it lay tonight. But it's an interesting thought to pursue.