So.. Starting a week ago Thursday I started seeing a Cranial Reduction Expert. (AKA Head Shrink AKA Psychiatrist). Honestly, its been a long time coming. But its made me start looking at the world in a whole new way. Oddly, this isn't as a result of anything my counselor has done or said, but more a result of the act of beginning counseling. Which isn't to say she hasn't been useful in her own way. Some of the things I spend my time thinking about are a result of something she touched on, and then moved on.
Some of the things I've learned about myself is that I suffer from a number of symptoms of Codependency, and more likely than not, am in fact quite codependent. As far as I can tell, not to the extremes of the examples given in the book I'm reading, but definitely a significant to very definite level of them.
Little things like not knowing what I really think about something. I wouldn't have thought that my well known reaction to someone asking me directly what I think/feel about something (That reaction being drawing a complete and utter blank as my mind goes empty at the question) was actually a symptom of this.
I could go into more examples, but I'd have to take the time to dredge out the book and point a few out. Suffice to say that the phrase 'Difficulty Owning Reality' applies to me more than I like to admit.
But one of the other results of this journey I'm starting is the realization that I father the same way my father does. From a distance. My father was a good provider for the family, but the majority of the financial support for the family came from my mother. At least VISUALLY. Truthfully it was likely much more even than it appeared as my father had a significant military stipend on top of his work income. But to me, as a child, I knew my mother provided most of the financial support for the family.
He and I weren't very close, though he was always welcoming to me when I approached him. But we didn't do much together, except for fishing. Which I'll be the first to admit I looked forward to every year. How that tradition ended is a subject for another post. But mostly my father was distant, he was just 'there'. It was comforting to know he was there, but there wasn't any real interaction with him. Watching TV with him was one of the most common ways we had of relating. And even then we didn't talk, we merely cohabitated the same room and didn't speak. This was, visually, much the same relationship he had with my mother. Somewhere along the road I got the impression that because he rarely spoke to her outside of their room (though they were always affectionate towards each other), they must do all their talking in there. (This is also likely a result of hearing muffled conversations from there). This is another thing I seem to have taken from him.
Anyway, I gotta go for now.. But wanted to get this out of my head and onto 'paper'.
