Aodhans list of things to remember...

This is going to be the start of, I hope, a habit.

Its a way to remind myself of the things my honey does to show she loves me, that I deeply appreciate when she does them. They're everything from little seemingly inconsequential things, to things of great consequence. And they'll be added little by little as time goes on.

To start the list this morning...

* Every morning when she gets out of the van to go to work, she tells me she loves me, and kisses me before she goes.

* She thinks of me when she's at the Co-Op shopping, and brings me home the occasional treat, like Chocolate Almond milk.

* She holds me and listens when I have a bad patch, and understands how hard counseling can be.

* She writes with me.

* She used to make me breakfast, and still does sometimes, and has only stopped because I'm not usually hungry when she's making breakfast. The same goes for Tea.

If wishes were fishes... I'd see everything in scale.

I figure perhaps opening on a wry comedic note might be a good thing today.

With every passing day I see how broken I am, and what it does to those around me. I am getting better, I'm feeling better.

But when I slip, my god do I. I hate the harm I do, and I want to stop doing it. I wish it were just as simple as 'be normal, stop freaking out'. But its not, and it drives me to insanity some days. Oh wait, I'm already here..

But in the sense of scale.. Right now everything seems so out of proportion, the bad things seem bigger, the good things smaller, little inconsequential things loom like giants, where things of great importance creep like ants in the dark.

I can't see clearly, its like I need glasses of a rose-tinted shade just to see everything normally. And its work, constant, everyday, painful work. And it gets very, very, very tiring.

I'm also having to learn how to stop being selfish. Because I've realized I'm *VERY* selfish, and very used to being selfish.. So used to it I didn't even realize what it was.

And I need to learn how to get control when I'm panicking and my emotions are running rampant and I'm FRANTIC for some kind of solution to what I'm feeling. Because I inflict unfairness on others, and I don't behave like I love my Zahrah as much as I do when I'm in that state.

And its not fair to her, and it hurts us both when it happens. And then all the good progress we've made backslides and has to build up again.

I feel like we've been falling further and further behind for a very long time. And recently I've just felt like we've been making progress in moving forward together and I feel like I've been able to earn back some of that trust and the openness of love we had.

Then I do something that, in an instant, sets us back again. I'm tired of stepping constantly forward and back. I want to move forward, I don't want to be healing anymore, I want to be healed.

I'm tired of hurting her. Period. I'm tired of being the cause of any tears, any unhappiness. I'm tired of it.

I wish I could just say "I am done. I'm better, starting now." and be better.

All I can do is look forward and think... I'm working. I'm healing.. But it takes time.

I hope we survive it.

A new rotten evening.. by yours truly..

You know what the absolute worst thing you can do is when you're feeling like a situation has left you out and you're not part of the fun and joy of that occasion?

Accidentally ruin the good things goin' on by bein' a party pooper.

I'm making somewhat light of it, but thats what I did tonight.


Worse? My honey tried to include me, but by that point I had gotten dark and broody and then just reacted childishly to the whole situation. She got understandably hurt and upset, and stated she needed time alone.

I'm not good at that, so not good in fact that she's now at her parents, likely for the whole night. All because I couldn't give her time to herself to come down from a very justifiable mad.

The worst part of these is that the logical rational part of my mind says "It isn't over, she'll be back, and you'll get through this. She knows you've been working at getting better, she's commented herself on how you've improved. The climb up is a dumb time to quit, and she knows it."

The other part knows just how bad of an ass of a prat I can be. And that even for all her strength she can only take so much. She loves me, things have been better this week past, but I screwed up tonight.

I know I'm running out of chances, and I hope this isn't the last one. I don't think it will be, and its to my credit that its gotten to 'I don't think', because it used to be a certainty that it was.

I've learned faith in her, and in us. Now I just need to start curing those situations that cause this one. Because its become a BIG one. Can't do it anymore, I just can't.

I want to be happy, just for a day at first, (which has happened), then a couple in a row.. Then a week.

And it feels to me like I've gotten up to a week more and more often here lately. I hope she sticks in there a while longer. I think I've almost got this thing licked.

Please god..

Help her to not give up yet.

Another Saturday has arrived.

And I'm determined to not have another 'bad saturday'. They're inane and stupid, to sound perfectly petulant about it. And truly, those issues are slowly beginning to wash their way from my heart anyway. And this is, in no small part, due to a realization I made last night about the nature of my condition.

Part of my insecurity, though not my overall situation, lay in the fact that I have been having trouble feeling the 'bond' between my love and I. We spend delightful days and evenings together, wake up to one another. Generally enjoy each others presence, but out of a fear I'm slowly overcoming now that I've recognized it, I've not been able to feel that bond as deeply as I once did.

I'm working on that now, not sure how, but I am. Trying to be more aware of it, and less aware of the fear. I need to let that subside, fade away. This morning I feel confident I can move forward with letting this go. It feels like it will almost be easy.

Its kind of like a certain scene involving Patrick in 'Coupling', where he realizes what his problem is and suddenly. Its no longer a problem. Its not quite that quick, but it has a similar feel to it.

I have to be off to work today, but I wanted to share this. Its long past time to move on, but I come from a family of the habitually late. Thankfully, its not TOO late, just tarrying a bit behind. The trip should be easier though, I have less baggage. Home is waiting for me at my journeys end, and as most journeys worth taking, the real destination is my point of departure.

To Zahrah, should she read this, I love you dear, fully and completely. I have a lifetime remaining to show you how much, and to thank you for everything you've done. I'll always be grateful for who you are, and the blessing you are in my life. I love you my dear, my Samajal.

Thank you.

Prelude in Cerulean Blue

Good day to you readers!

This weekend past has resulted in some rather interesting revelations that shouldn't be revelations, but are. In the depths of my mind, I felt a window open, a window between the person I was, and the person I am, and ultimately, the realization that I'm a bit of both. But we can see each other, this other and I, and we can begin finding our common ground. As I put it to my dearest love this weekend past, I feel like I can see the road home again, and the candle she's kept burning in the window. I'm a long way off, with a long way to go, but I can SEE the road again.

Its something of a relief, to realize that I am making progress, that I am healing, and bridging the gulf that was formed in me.

A lot of whats been going on with me is being over-whelmed by fears from my past, this is not news, I know that. But its whats been happening. I've even been over-powered by fears that I've simply never faced down, mostly insecurities and such. But I feel like I can see them now, I'm not being attacked in the dark. I can see my fears, and know where they come from and what they are, and this being found. I can defend myself against them, and build myself up stronger again. And find my simple joys and happiness.

There was a lot of that this weekend with my honey, simple fun, simple joys. The joy of waking up next to her, and just lying there with my arm around her while she sleeps. Of playing games together, of relaxing and having a good time together. And I learned a bit more about us, and her, and how she feels and thinks. She's so very careful about what she says to me and doesn't about her stresses where I'm concerned, because she doesn't want me to worry, because I'm *BETTER* when I'm not worrying. But sometimes, knowing whats in her head helps me to NOT worry.

Point being.. I'm feeling better, and a kind of feeling better that makes me think it may stick, and it will just be learning to climb from here on up.

Bits of observation.

Yes yes, I realize I just posted a few minutes ago. But thats kind of the point, I felt the other posting needed to stand alone. It was a singularly composed thought. This post, however, is just about observations I make about me.

This morning, sitting at the table with my fiance, I was trying to start up some small talk. It didn't even occur to me that my two basic starting statements were "Are you ok?" (It was 6am, I would imagine the answer could be "As well as could be expected at this time of the morning.") and then, "You feelin' alright this mornin'?".

Things to know about my dear Z, she looks beautiful, no matter what the hour. But being tired casts a decided emotional pall over her, at least, her 'I'm depressed' face, and her 'I'm tired' face are almost indistinguishable from one another. So that was kind of the basis of it, I also didn't have much to say.

She pointed out the problem of this approach to conversation, so I changed gears and asked her about work. Much better approach. And we chatted for a bit, so that was better.

Anyway, that wasn't the observation I started to write about, but its a good one none-the-less. The observation I actually meant to write about was the fact that when you're tired is not the best time to take stock of your emotional condition. Everything bites deeper and feels more pronounced when you're tired. Important to note that in many cases this goes for happiness as well as sorrow and worry.

Now unfortunately this means that for the next bit its going to be a bit rocky in the emotional department. We're shifting gears to get Z off to work on the bus at OMG its dark-30. (Otherwise known as 6:30am at the bus-stop). This basically shifts our cost to get her to work from about 50$ a week in gas, 200-250$ a month in gas... Or 20$ a month in a bus pass. Its kind of a no brainer.

But that puts us both in a state of being tired, and with me that means more emotional instability. Sleeping once she's up is a non-possibility. I just can't sleep when she's in our house and not in our bed, (Not that I put that responsibility on her mind, its my own hang-up.). And once I'm up in the morning, I'm up.

But! On the plus side, I'm aware of it! And that makes a massive difference in my ability to cope.

For the Grace of God Go I.

Sometimes a song says all you have to say for you... While I can't identify why, this song strikes me as the mood for this morning.

Grace of God Go I
by Flogging Molly

Lookin' down through a tide of no return
Is a field where the crops no longer grow
Parched is the land, strangled an' be damned
There for the Grace Of God Go I

Down beside where the riverbed sleeps
Is a man not knowin' what he should feel
Mocked by the wave that beats the waters edge
There for the Grace Of God Go I

If I ever hurt another like thee again
I would drown myself beneath your name
Lost was the child, we all once did hide
There for the Grace Of God Go I

Melodies in the afterdark.

Good evening readers. Its been a good long while since I posted anything that was dreary and dark. So today I come to you with, at the least, no personal tragedies. No dark thoughts or self-deprecation.

Today I come to you with a song. Its not a *HAPPY* song, but its a powerful song. And as any of you who know me will understand, I am drawn to that which evokes strong emotion. It doesn't matter whether its emotions of joy, or terror, or depression. Musics job is to make you feel, as is any arts. And so I bring to you, art. If you've ever been in the situation this song describes, as offender or the offended, prepare to have yourself rocked to your core.

The artist who made the video is not the artist who made the song, nor is it the video the artist developed to be associated with it. But the artist who did this one, has shown them how its done properly.

"Its too late to Apologize" by "Timbaland", originally by "One Republic"

Do not make the mistake of merely listening to the song while not watching the video, you'll miss the impact this incredibly talented artist has put into bringing forth the emotion the song describes.

-------

That being out of the way.

Today is going pretty darn well for me. I haven't made mention of my new job yet in this Blog, so perhaps I should do so now. I work for Alpine Access as a customer service agent. This allows me the glorious opportunity of working from home, combining all the best parts of working at home with working in an office, and ditching some of the negatives of both. I get paid regular hourly wages, but never have to get dressed for work, drive in inclement weather, or have anyone over my shoulder. The only thing that matters is that I do my job, and do it well. Which means I can chat with my friends online, play LOTRO while between calls, and generally keep my very active mind focused on work by keeping it busy with other things. I could only be happier if it paid better money, and I didn't have child support coming out. But hey, you can't win them all. :) At least not without the cheat codes. Anyone has those for life, let me know, k?

*Switches gears out of the previous song to 'Written in Blood' by 'She wants Revenge'*

Anyway, mostly wonderful moods today and yesterday. Z and I've been playing a great deal of LOTRO lately, and thats been a great deal of fun. Especially since I can take advantage of my slow work days to make food and jewelry for our lower level characters. Essentially, I have ascended to Master Farmer status on the back of 'slow calls', and getting paid all the while. Yes my friends, this is the way to live.

In other news, I've managed to get myself a business license, and am slowly but shirley... Anyway.. Surely working my way up towards getting the webpage worked up to be a real functioning business site. For those of you that don't know I'm the sole proprietor of 'Arcadian Nights', a business dedicated to making delightful soaps, bath, and body products, to include wonderful Massage Bars, Coffee Flavored soaps, and the like. It started out as a concept for putting together baskets of this sort of thing designed for 'romantic nights' that are themed. IE - Carribean Nights, with Doubloon shaped bath fizzies that makes the water sparkle with gold, that remains when the bather steps out. Massage bars shaped like Treasure chests that, as they melt, reveal pieces of nice jewelry, scented candles and skull and crossbone candle holders, and a few other trinkets of that nature.

It never made that step forward, though its still on the horizon, right now we're still developing products and experimenting with what we have. We've found a few recipes we like, a few that make our noses twitch, and are constantly looking forward for more things of this type. Slowly but surely, the business is becoming a reality. We even have a couple regular customers and business cards!

That being said...

I have a fever, and the only thing for it, is more cowbell!!

:-))

I hate Saturdays...

Strange but true... You see, I work on Saturdays.. So on Saturdays I wake up to my honey, who will be staying in bed a bit longer, and crawl off to my computer to work. Thats not so bad. But then she gets up, and heads downstairs for her day. At this point I get to listen to her laughing and having a good time hanging out with our roommate. This always creeps in and begins to bother me after a while. Mainly because... Well...

I'm no fun anymore.. I think I realize this, or maybe I'm wrong.. I don't know. But I don't *FEEL* like I'm any fun anymore. I feel like she laughs easier and louder with other people, that my company isn't what it once as for her. I'm sure this is true. After all, I tend to be trying so desperately just to get her approval, to see her smile or laugh at something I say or do. Because I feel lost, distant, and without any guide. Saturdays remind me that I'm broken more than any other day. They remind me how distant I feel from life in general, like I'm watching it go on around me and desperately want to be involved.

But when I try... I just stumble, say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I feel awkward and graceless. And it makes me feel lonely.

Sure, this isn't her problem. Or anyones problem but mine. I mentioned to her once how I feel about the whole 'laughing' thing. Not because I wanted her to change it, its not her responsibility. But because sharing that kind of thing is important, communication and all. She looked at me and said 'Maybe if you didn't look at it like a competition'.

I don't... I'm not jealous of him because he makes her laugh easier and louder.

I feel... Inadequate.. I feel like I've lost myself and my ability to make her smile. And I miss her smile being for me. Instead I seem to dampen a room when I walk into it now.

So anyway.. I hate Saturdays.. yes I do.

Pale Blue Eyes...

Good even fair gentles... I'm writing tonight, more because I want to get back in the habit, than out of any real comments to make. Also, I'm quite certain most of my readers have faded into the mist in my six month absence. I have discovered a song tonight that was left on my computer by my dear Niece. It struck a chord, and has been on continual replay since first I heard it. It is called 'Pale Blue Eyes' by an independent artist named Barzin. I cannot recommend this song enough.

For those of you who are smokers, this might make sense to you. This song made me nostalgic for the time when I smoked, and I wished for nothing more than to curl up in a candlelit room, with incense, this song, and a cigarette and just let it wash over me. I settled for an adult beverage in place of the cigarette. I needn't tell you it didn't quite do the job, but its less likely to give me cancer, so I suppose thats something.

I missed my appointment with my therapist this week due to snow killing the battery on our van. It amused me a little, usually its the snow itself stopping transportation as opposed to the temperature. And I had had a particularly bad few days previous, and had hoped to see him. Sometimes I don't know if its doing any good, and I realize I haven't been going long enough to really tell. But often I feel like the problems I have, I'm simply too aware of for therapy to help. I mean, I know what the problems are, don't I? Its just a matter of what to do about them.

Mostly, I just want to set them down and walk away... If only it were so simple.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I haven't a lot to say this evening, and most of what I did have to say was rehash. Just to get it out of the way, I'm doing much better after the bad few days last week. Not at peak, but doing better.

Sleep well friends, may the gentle wings of sleep carry you safe till morning, and peace be by you when you wake.

Movement beneath the Ice

Good day to you readers.. Its been many a passing of the moon since I spoke to you last. There's reasons and reasons for that, most of them involving me not having the energy to write any further. Some of them have to do with having nothing I felt was worthy of putting pen to paper, and some of that was due to be it being dark and venomous.

Sometimes its better to writhe in your own dark, than invite others to join you there. I chose to spare you from as much of that as I could.

As it sits, things here in the Valley are well enough, things are improving with my lady love and I, but are far from perfect. I'm in counseling to try to get past my issues, but sometimes I feel like I've left an indelible mark on our relationship. Sometimes I wonder whether we'll ever truly recover from that, and sometimes I just wonder if even things hadn't gone bad for awhile, if they'd still be the same.

Mostly these days I find myself not knowing how I should feel, having been told the way I feel is the wrong way to feel for so long, I don't know whats real emotions. I don't know what I really see or think, and what I make up. Even my memories tend to be untrustworthy, or if not my memories themselves, than my interpretation of the events in those memories.

Which really... Just leaves me exhausted, and tired, and confused. The only thing I'm reasonably sure of is my love for Zahrah. Its the only thing that seems to remain constant. But I no longer know what I'm supposed to do about it. Who I was and how I used to behave no longer seem to be the right ways to behave. And some of the new behaviours are certainly not good, and those are the ones I'm working to correct. But I often wander lost in my own mind, thinking about every action I could possibly take, every affection I could pass, the words I could speak. Because I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or what of its really how I want to act, and how much of it is just me seeking reassurance, or comfort.

She's had to provide so much of that that I'm reluctant to ask for more, especially when I ask for it and am refused. She has the right to refuse me any affection, from a simple kiss to making love, as does anyone. But sometimes I don't take it so well, so I decide not to ask at all rather than try to wrestle the emotions that come up with the perceived 'rejection'.

Has anyone else out there ever been in a situation where you feel others make the love of your life happier than you yourself do? One of my biggest points of 'jealousy' is watching her with our roommate and guests. They seem to make her so much happier so much easier, she laughs brighter and quicker, smiles more.. And I know its because I'm a pile of complicated emotions and behaviours, and she often doesn't know whats going to set me off. And sometimes I'm unresponsive, or lacking in anything to say, and that makes me feel awkward and out of place. I'm not blaming her or anyone else for it, these are my reactions to the situations I see. But sometimes I respond with feelings of being very alone and outside the social situation.

I'm doing better, much as it may sound like I'm not. And all of this observation is part of me doing better. But I think I'm at the hard spot now, I'm aware of all the knots that've been tied in my perceptions, the veils that've been put over them. But I don't know which is which and whats what these days, so I wander in dark, dusty unfamiliar hallways trying to remember which of these windows isn't tinted with fear, pain, loss, rejection.. Which one of them looks out on the world as it is, rather than how I see and experience it.

It leaves one feeling very uncertain.