Unsuspected Winter

Its been a good three weeks, all things considered, or however long its been. Time has, as usual, gotten strange. I waylaid a particularly nasty beasty I've lived with a long time, that being the one of major insecurity and jealousy. Only it was merely waylaid, not conquered. I thought I had it beat, thought I had it ground out and destroyed and no longer a part of me.

I was naive.

So I return my attentions to working on this, trying to eliminate it. Anyone who knows Zahrah even a shred, knows that she is incapable of infidelity. Its not in her nature. This has been hashed over before. So why do I return to being jealous of others? What is the true fear I experience in this case.

I think, perhaps, its a fear of my own weakness and imperfections. I want to be a better man for her, to be strong for her, to give her the love and respect she needs. And some part of me is afraid that I'll fail, fall short, and that one day she'll look at me with those regretful eyes and say "I can't do this anymore.".

As some would suspect, this feeling, in and of itself, can actually create behaviours that lead to that. A self-fulfilling prophecy I believe they call it.

Whatever the case, I'm working again to slay this beast, to put it down once and for all. Forever.

I will be healed.

Seasons of Change

I'm sitting down today, not really knowing what it is I'm going to write. Those of you who know us best, know that we went through a very hard time in our relationship a week or so ago. As is the nature of times like that, things aren't quite 'better' again. But to all evidence they're getting there.

I guess what I want to write about is where I am. Just needing to air out my head ya know?

Completely unintentionally, I hurt the woman I love. And while she has forgiven me for that, I certainly haven't forgiven myself for it. I feel the acute pain of having hurt her every day, and though she is still here, and still staying with me (for the time being), I sometimes wonder if we'll be able to make it through this in the long run.

I'm sure you all know the feeling of love when its easy. You don't have to think about how you love the other person, or whether or not you're showing them love the way they need it shown. You're so giddily happily in love that everything you do, and everything they do, is just right.

This changes for any number of reasons, and a particularly hurtful time in your relationship can do damage on levels so deep its impossible to see and sense all the repercussions. And right now, for me at least, its the ease of love that is gone right now. It used to be no question about whether or not my affection was welcome and wanted, and to some degree thats still true. But we went through a period where she needed her space, and now her affection comes not quite so easily, and my loving touches are sometimes received somewhat stiffly. Not frequently, and sometimes they just aren't received how I wish they were. Its interesting realizing your own expectations, even if those expectations were formed from experience.

But this is healing, this is us working to forge our relationship back together again, to become what we are to become. While we'll be together, and in love, it won't be what we were. The relationship has changed, there is memory of hurt there now. But I hope we find our way back to a place where we can be together and happy together.

Relationships are about love, and work. And right now I'm working towards not just keeping us together, but healing the gulf between us that my unintentional hurt has caused.


I say "I love you Zahrah" perhaps what is a little too often now. And while it is odd and difficult, I am trying to reduce how much I say that. For once its not that its lost its meaning, its that I recognize that sometimes I'm asking for something when I ask. And that something is reassurance, but I think its too early for me to fairly ask for that. I just want my certainty back that we're going to make it, that the future holds a life for both of us together as we are. A couple who loves each other.

But sometimes, in the dark of night, I find myself crying... Crying for the feeling thats absent in us right now, or at the very least is distant. Crying because I know I cannot ask from her the things I need from her to be reassured and feel safe in this relationship. But I'm not giving up on us, and neither is she. We just have a hard road of healing to walk.

I love you Zahrah.

Just a random bit of brain vomit tonight... How do you deal with irrational fears? The kind that keep you up late, the kind that gnaw at the inside of your brain and gut and heart. You know that they're boundless, that there's nothing to be concerned about from that quarter... And yet it just sits there and gnaws and keeps you up.

It is a tribute to the lasting damage of being cheated on in the past that irrational fears will crop up. Even in a new relationship, where you know yourself to be completely safe, the old fears still assert themselves and dig in deep. The hardest part about these fears, aside from living with them in the dichotomy that your brain produces "There is nothing to fear." "There is *EVERYTHING* to fear." is knowing of the stresses and pressure it puts on the ones you love. The fear you exhibit wears on them, especially if they are the object of it.

How long can you go, being suspected, even if you know the person suspecting KNOWS better than what they suspect, but seems powerless to overcome it?

To put it straight, Zahrah is the most loving trust-worthy person I have ever known, and I have nothing to fear from her in the area of infidelity, most especially from another woman. But I still remember when that was not the case when another, and my heart still remembers the gripping terror and the rending pain caused when those fears came to fruition. I hate it, I want to let go of my old fears and just trust this woman who so dearly deserves it.

But these fears are not rational, and I know not how to face irrational fears. I'm talking to my shrink about it tomorrow, but I wish for Zahrahs sake I could turn it off tonight, and never have it turn on again.

Be patient with me love, I know without question that I can trust you not to hurt me in that way, or truly, to not hurt me at all. But memory is a painful mistress, and it does not want to let me forget, to let me stop worrying for fear it experiences that pain over again. So I sit, knowing I'm safe, and yet afraid...

The monkey on your back... and its idiot friends.

Its interesting, looking back over my life, to find the places where I picked up my monkeys. The little bastards that hang on your back, with their idiot friends who worm their way into your head to teach you that a certain set of reactions is whats necessary in a situation.

Its horrifying, to see how the behaviours you learned or taught yourself affect those around you. And its terrifying to know you have to face these demons, these monkeys, and fight them off to regain who you are.

Things have been hard around the Valley these days, starting back in December/January when I started falling apart internally. Zahrah has been a trooper, strong and resilient, being there for me. But the problem is I haven't been able to be there for her, and its taking its toll.

I'm working to get better, to heal the lesions in my heart and soul caused by days gone by. I need to heal them and be better before I lose her. Which is something a bit more terrifying than I care to think about. I wish I could write something more poignant, something more full of meaning for what my life is right now. But I don't have much left in the way of eloquence these days either.

I've been doing counseling, and that wasn't helping in the sense of my counselor helping me, but it *DID* help me in the sense of me working my way through the process as best I can. I'm learning, listening, paying attention to the things going on inside me.

And these days, I'm getting stronger, little by little. But there is a *LONG* way to go, and I just hope that my Lady Zahrah can hold on until I'm done, until I'm better. So we can be the we we were again.

Prismed shades of darkness

Its night here in the valley, just after sunset. The diffused light of sunset still echoes its way through the caverns of the clouds, and Evanescence seems to fit the mood. Most of you who have read this journal have seen the light side of me, the bright shining in love me. Those of you who know me personally have seen the shadows, and know the darkness I carry within me, as every human soul does.

Tonight I'm sitting here, feeling the weight of a number of relationships gone poorly. Lessons learned from them, and not necessarily good ones, or the right ones. I've been fighting to get out from under the inertia of lifes lessons. I'm tired of them.

Zahrah is the most beautifully shining person I've known in my life, and few people who know her could argue that this is true of her. I know after nearly a year of being with her, I can't. She chose me to be part of her life, and has taken my ring and told me she wishes to be my bride. And I know I'm not worthy of her.

In my life, I have lied, stole, made promises and broke them, and treated the hearts of others carelessly, on occasion deliberately. But to be fair, like any, I've also had my heart trounced, beaten into submission, and while never literally, I have felt my heart and soul crawl into a corner, cover its head, and cry out "NO MORE!".

I do the best I can most days, working to be the best person I can. But there are rules I don't understand, things I just don't understand. And yet I know these things to be true, and understandable....

*looks at what he's written, and stops*

Not tonight..

I'm worn from a life of not knowing, not understanding, and learning rules that don't apply. I keep being told to let go, to be myself, and I want to scream. "THEY LEAVE MYSELF!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THEY *LEAVE* MYSELF!"

I am being myself, I'm being me. I don't know or understand how to be anything else, and yet I *KNOW* this isn't healthy, I know being what I have been forged into after all these years isn't what I want to be. But how do you let go of the damage, how do you pound out the dents?

I want to let the pain go, and be able to accept that the life I live today, with Zahrah in it.. Is where I can lay my head to rest, where I can be in peace. But memories don't want me to relax, long honed defenses fight against me, and don't want me to settle in and sigh....

Counseling? It sucks.. Let me just say that now. Its necessary, its needed, but it sucks.

A week of introspection.

So.. Starting a week ago Thursday I started seeing a Cranial Reduction Expert. (AKA Head Shrink AKA Psychiatrist). Honestly, its been a long time coming. But its made me start looking at the world in a whole new way. Oddly, this isn't as a result of anything my counselor has done or said, but more a result of the act of beginning counseling. Which isn't to say she hasn't been useful in her own way. Some of the things I spend my time thinking about are a result of something she touched on, and then moved on.

Some of the things I've learned about myself is that I suffer from a number of symptoms of Codependency, and more likely than not, am in fact quite codependent. As far as I can tell, not to the extremes of the examples given in the book I'm reading, but definitely a significant to very definite level of them.

Little things like not knowing what I really think about something. I wouldn't have thought that my well known reaction to someone asking me directly what I think/feel about something (That reaction being drawing a complete and utter blank as my mind goes empty at the question) was actually a symptom of this.

I could go into more examples, but I'd have to take the time to dredge out the book and point a few out. Suffice to say that the phrase 'Difficulty Owning Reality' applies to me more than I like to admit.

But one of the other results of this journey I'm starting is the realization that I father the same way my father does. From a distance. My father was a good provider for the family, but the majority of the financial support for the family came from my mother. At least VISUALLY. Truthfully it was likely much more even than it appeared as my father had a significant military stipend on top of his work income. But to me, as a child, I knew my mother provided most of the financial support for the family.

He and I weren't very close, though he was always welcoming to me when I approached him. But we didn't do much together, except for fishing. Which I'll be the first to admit I looked forward to every year. How that tradition ended is a subject for another post. But mostly my father was distant, he was just 'there'. It was comforting to know he was there, but there wasn't any real interaction with him. Watching TV with him was one of the most common ways we had of relating. And even then we didn't talk, we merely cohabitated the same room and didn't speak. This was, visually, much the same relationship he had with my mother. Somewhere along the road I got the impression that because he rarely spoke to her outside of their room (though they were always affectionate towards each other), they must do all their talking in there. (This is also likely a result of hearing muffled conversations from there). This is another thing I seem to have taken from him.

Anyway, I gotta go for now.. But wanted to get this out of my head and onto 'paper'.

Arcadian Dreams

I started this post somewhere else, but I think I'll continue it here.

Everyone in life has dreams.. Dreams are a very important part of who we are. In some places dreams have been thought of as prophetic, even in the Bible this idea was put forth. In others they were the visitations of the ancestors, or travelling outside your body, or in the case of the aborigines of Australia.. They were reality, and waking life was the dream.

That being said, we all have simpler dreams.. Dreams of a better life, a better car, a better job.

My dream has always been of a better game. But the definition of 'better' is dependent upon the individual.

In my perfect game, nothing comes easy, and you have to work for every step. Sometimes individually, sometimes as a group.

http://www.atitd.com, A tale in the desert came very close to this, but still lacks some vital elements. Some of those elements are in the people playing. This game permits the people playing it to write their own laws, their own justice system. And they respond with apathy, with a complete lack of interest in passing anything that doesn't just give them free stuff. But imagine the ability to completely craft your own game society with your own rules?

How can people not be interested in something like this? I truly don't understand it, but Apathy is what I find.

So I've started working on my own concept for a game.. It'll likely never get written, but it soothes me to write about it. Of course, I won't share the idea just yet.. But in time..

For now, I wander off... Just had to put that out there.

An evening at home.

Good evening folks, its been a long time since I posted anything here, but I decided perhaps tonight I'd write another post. Its been hard to write, I've either been distracted, or playing my cards close to my chest. Old habits? Maybe.

First bit to report, Zahrah and I are doing fairly well, all things considered, though finding another job has been... Difficult. And my old habits of procrastination are setting in, making it difficult to get anything done. Including working on my soaps and such, trying really hard to overcome that. But most of the time I feel so damned tired.

It occured to me recently, that I desperately want to vanish into the quiet of my fantasies and dreams. Its so hard here in what you all call real life, and I find so little of meaning in it most days. Could just be my weariness talking, or just train of thought writing. Don't really know.

"No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all." --Drizzt Do'Urden, Forgotten Realms

I toss this into the blog because its how I feel about life in general. There are many things I believe in, because to not believe in them would put me in the most terrifying place I can imagine. I can only relate it to a faithful christian being in a world with no question that god does *NOT* exist. Imagine that emptiness, that utter vacancy where your once your faith had lived. That for me is a world without magic, without ghosts, without beasts that haunt the deep and crawl through darkest hours. What world could be so cold, and empty, as to lack the terrors and ecstacies that our ancient brethren believed in? In every land there were demons, monsters in the dark, and miracles in the forest.

I believe they still exist, and crawl through the dark where we cannot see them, they are the monsters in the alleys, the beasts in the sewers. When children fear the thing under the bed, to quote Terry Pratchet, its because they damn well know it exists.

But I digress... I'm tired tonight, bone and soul, and trying to find a little light. Doubtless I will find it as I always do, in the one place the sun always shines on my soul. The heart of my worlds magic, my beloved Zahrah.

So folks, I'll try to write more here, no guarantees though, life tends to take precedence over many things that otherwise matter to us.

Rest well.. May your dreams forever show you what your heart truly desires.