Just a random bit of brain vomit tonight... How do you deal with irrational fears? The kind that keep you up late, the kind that gnaw at the inside of your brain and gut and heart. You know that they're boundless, that there's nothing to be concerned about from that quarter... And yet it just sits there and gnaws and keeps you up.

It is a tribute to the lasting damage of being cheated on in the past that irrational fears will crop up. Even in a new relationship, where you know yourself to be completely safe, the old fears still assert themselves and dig in deep. The hardest part about these fears, aside from living with them in the dichotomy that your brain produces "There is nothing to fear." "There is *EVERYTHING* to fear." is knowing of the stresses and pressure it puts on the ones you love. The fear you exhibit wears on them, especially if they are the object of it.

How long can you go, being suspected, even if you know the person suspecting KNOWS better than what they suspect, but seems powerless to overcome it?

To put it straight, Zahrah is the most loving trust-worthy person I have ever known, and I have nothing to fear from her in the area of infidelity, most especially from another woman. But I still remember when that was not the case when another, and my heart still remembers the gripping terror and the rending pain caused when those fears came to fruition. I hate it, I want to let go of my old fears and just trust this woman who so dearly deserves it.

But these fears are not rational, and I know not how to face irrational fears. I'm talking to my shrink about it tomorrow, but I wish for Zahrahs sake I could turn it off tonight, and never have it turn on again.

Be patient with me love, I know without question that I can trust you not to hurt me in that way, or truly, to not hurt me at all. But memory is a painful mistress, and it does not want to let me forget, to let me stop worrying for fear it experiences that pain over again. So I sit, knowing I'm safe, and yet afraid...

The monkey on your back... and its idiot friends.

Its interesting, looking back over my life, to find the places where I picked up my monkeys. The little bastards that hang on your back, with their idiot friends who worm their way into your head to teach you that a certain set of reactions is whats necessary in a situation.

Its horrifying, to see how the behaviours you learned or taught yourself affect those around you. And its terrifying to know you have to face these demons, these monkeys, and fight them off to regain who you are.

Things have been hard around the Valley these days, starting back in December/January when I started falling apart internally. Zahrah has been a trooper, strong and resilient, being there for me. But the problem is I haven't been able to be there for her, and its taking its toll.

I'm working to get better, to heal the lesions in my heart and soul caused by days gone by. I need to heal them and be better before I lose her. Which is something a bit more terrifying than I care to think about. I wish I could write something more poignant, something more full of meaning for what my life is right now. But I don't have much left in the way of eloquence these days either.

I've been doing counseling, and that wasn't helping in the sense of my counselor helping me, but it *DID* help me in the sense of me working my way through the process as best I can. I'm learning, listening, paying attention to the things going on inside me.

And these days, I'm getting stronger, little by little. But there is a *LONG* way to go, and I just hope that my Lady Zahrah can hold on until I'm done, until I'm better. So we can be the we we were again.

Prismed shades of darkness

Its night here in the valley, just after sunset. The diffused light of sunset still echoes its way through the caverns of the clouds, and Evanescence seems to fit the mood. Most of you who have read this journal have seen the light side of me, the bright shining in love me. Those of you who know me personally have seen the shadows, and know the darkness I carry within me, as every human soul does.

Tonight I'm sitting here, feeling the weight of a number of relationships gone poorly. Lessons learned from them, and not necessarily good ones, or the right ones. I've been fighting to get out from under the inertia of lifes lessons. I'm tired of them.

Zahrah is the most beautifully shining person I've known in my life, and few people who know her could argue that this is true of her. I know after nearly a year of being with her, I can't. She chose me to be part of her life, and has taken my ring and told me she wishes to be my bride. And I know I'm not worthy of her.

In my life, I have lied, stole, made promises and broke them, and treated the hearts of others carelessly, on occasion deliberately. But to be fair, like any, I've also had my heart trounced, beaten into submission, and while never literally, I have felt my heart and soul crawl into a corner, cover its head, and cry out "NO MORE!".

I do the best I can most days, working to be the best person I can. But there are rules I don't understand, things I just don't understand. And yet I know these things to be true, and understandable....

*looks at what he's written, and stops*

Not tonight..

I'm worn from a life of not knowing, not understanding, and learning rules that don't apply. I keep being told to let go, to be myself, and I want to scream. "THEY LEAVE MYSELF!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THEY *LEAVE* MYSELF!"

I am being myself, I'm being me. I don't know or understand how to be anything else, and yet I *KNOW* this isn't healthy, I know being what I have been forged into after all these years isn't what I want to be. But how do you let go of the damage, how do you pound out the dents?

I want to let the pain go, and be able to accept that the life I live today, with Zahrah in it.. Is where I can lay my head to rest, where I can be in peace. But memories don't want me to relax, long honed defenses fight against me, and don't want me to settle in and sigh....

Counseling? It sucks.. Let me just say that now. Its necessary, its needed, but it sucks.