Good day to you readers.. Its been many a passing of the moon since I spoke to you last. There's reasons and reasons for that, most of them involving me not having the energy to write any further. Some of them have to do with having nothing I felt was worthy of putting pen to paper, and some of that was due to be it being dark and venomous.
Sometimes its better to writhe in your own dark, than invite others to join you there. I chose to spare you from as much of that as I could.
As it sits, things here in the Valley are well enough, things are improving with my lady love and I, but are far from perfect. I'm in counseling to try to get past my issues, but sometimes I feel like I've left an indelible mark on our relationship. Sometimes I wonder whether we'll ever truly recover from that, and sometimes I just wonder if even things hadn't gone bad for awhile, if they'd still be the same.
Mostly these days I find myself not knowing how I should feel, having been told the way I feel is the wrong way to feel for so long, I don't know whats real emotions. I don't know what I really see or think, and what I make up. Even my memories tend to be untrustworthy, or if not my memories themselves, than my interpretation of the events in those memories.
Which really... Just leaves me exhausted, and tired, and confused. The only thing I'm reasonably sure of is my love for Zahrah. Its the only thing that seems to remain constant. But I no longer know what I'm supposed to do about it. Who I was and how I used to behave no longer seem to be the right ways to behave. And some of the new behaviours are certainly not good, and those are the ones I'm working to correct. But I often wander lost in my own mind, thinking about every action I could possibly take, every affection I could pass, the words I could speak. Because I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or what of its really how I want to act, and how much of it is just me seeking reassurance, or comfort.
She's had to provide so much of that that I'm reluctant to ask for more, especially when I ask for it and am refused. She has the right to refuse me any affection, from a simple kiss to making love, as does anyone. But sometimes I don't take it so well, so I decide not to ask at all rather than try to wrestle the emotions that come up with the perceived 'rejection'.
Has anyone else out there ever been in a situation where you feel others make the love of your life happier than you yourself do? One of my biggest points of 'jealousy' is watching her with our roommate and guests. They seem to make her so much happier so much easier, she laughs brighter and quicker, smiles more.. And I know its because I'm a pile of complicated emotions and behaviours, and she often doesn't know whats going to set me off. And sometimes I'm unresponsive, or lacking in anything to say, and that makes me feel awkward and out of place. I'm not blaming her or anyone else for it, these are my reactions to the situations I see. But sometimes I respond with feelings of being very alone and outside the social situation.
I'm doing better, much as it may sound like I'm not. And all of this observation is part of me doing better. But I think I'm at the hard spot now, I'm aware of all the knots that've been tied in my perceptions, the veils that've been put over them. But I don't know which is which and whats what these days, so I wander in dark, dusty unfamiliar hallways trying to remember which of these windows isn't tinted with fear, pain, loss, rejection.. Which one of them looks out on the world as it is, rather than how I see and experience it.
It leaves one feeling very uncertain.
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