I'm sitting down today, not really knowing what it is I'm going to write. Those of you who know us best, know that we went through a very hard time in our relationship a week or so ago. As is the nature of times like that, things aren't quite 'better' again. But to all evidence they're getting there.
I guess what I want to write about is where I am. Just needing to air out my head ya know?
Completely unintentionally, I hurt the woman I love. And while she has forgiven me for that, I certainly haven't forgiven myself for it. I feel the acute pain of having hurt her every day, and though she is still here, and still staying with me (for the time being), I sometimes wonder if we'll be able to make it through this in the long run.
I'm sure you all know the feeling of love when its easy. You don't have to think about how you love the other person, or whether or not you're showing them love the way they need it shown. You're so giddily happily in love that everything you do, and everything they do, is just right.
This changes for any number of reasons, and a particularly hurtful time in your relationship can do damage on levels so deep its impossible to see and sense all the repercussions. And right now, for me at least, its the ease of love that is gone right now. It used to be no question about whether or not my affection was welcome and wanted, and to some degree thats still true. But we went through a period where she needed her space, and now her affection comes not quite so easily, and my loving touches are sometimes received somewhat stiffly. Not frequently, and sometimes they just aren't received how I wish they were. Its interesting realizing your own expectations, even if those expectations were formed from experience.
But this is healing, this is us working to forge our relationship back together again, to become what we are to become. While we'll be together, and in love, it won't be what we were. The relationship has changed, there is memory of hurt there now. But I hope we find our way back to a place where we can be together and happy together.
Relationships are about love, and work. And right now I'm working towards not just keeping us together, but healing the gulf between us that my unintentional hurt has caused.
I say "I love you Zahrah" perhaps what is a little too often now. And while it is odd and difficult, I am trying to reduce how much I say that. For once its not that its lost its meaning, its that I recognize that sometimes I'm asking for something when I ask. And that something is reassurance, but I think its too early for me to fairly ask for that. I just want my certainty back that we're going to make it, that the future holds a life for both of us together as we are. A couple who loves each other.
But sometimes, in the dark of night, I find myself crying... Crying for the feeling thats absent in us right now, or at the very least is distant. Crying because I know I cannot ask from her the things I need from her to be reassured and feel safe in this relationship. But I'm not giving up on us, and neither is she. We just have a hard road of healing to walk.
I love you Zahrah.
