If wishes were fishes... I'd see everything in scale.

I figure perhaps opening on a wry comedic note might be a good thing today.

With every passing day I see how broken I am, and what it does to those around me. I am getting better, I'm feeling better.

But when I slip, my god do I. I hate the harm I do, and I want to stop doing it. I wish it were just as simple as 'be normal, stop freaking out'. But its not, and it drives me to insanity some days. Oh wait, I'm already here..

But in the sense of scale.. Right now everything seems so out of proportion, the bad things seem bigger, the good things smaller, little inconsequential things loom like giants, where things of great importance creep like ants in the dark.

I can't see clearly, its like I need glasses of a rose-tinted shade just to see everything normally. And its work, constant, everyday, painful work. And it gets very, very, very tiring.

I'm also having to learn how to stop being selfish. Because I've realized I'm *VERY* selfish, and very used to being selfish.. So used to it I didn't even realize what it was.

And I need to learn how to get control when I'm panicking and my emotions are running rampant and I'm FRANTIC for some kind of solution to what I'm feeling. Because I inflict unfairness on others, and I don't behave like I love my Zahrah as much as I do when I'm in that state.

And its not fair to her, and it hurts us both when it happens. And then all the good progress we've made backslides and has to build up again.

I feel like we've been falling further and further behind for a very long time. And recently I've just felt like we've been making progress in moving forward together and I feel like I've been able to earn back some of that trust and the openness of love we had.

Then I do something that, in an instant, sets us back again. I'm tired of stepping constantly forward and back. I want to move forward, I don't want to be healing anymore, I want to be healed.

I'm tired of hurting her. Period. I'm tired of being the cause of any tears, any unhappiness. I'm tired of it.

I wish I could just say "I am done. I'm better, starting now." and be better.

All I can do is look forward and think... I'm working. I'm healing.. But it takes time.

I hope we survive it.