Changing Moods like Tides.

So I got in my Hour of bicycling this evening, complete with the reps for the arms. But I'm very tired now, and I notice my mood declining with my weariness.

And my weariness-induced moods brings out such questions as... Do I annoy Zahrah? Its so hard to read her sometimes, and her body language and behaviour towards me has changed a great deal in the time we've been together. I'm trying to learn to read her now, but it often feels like she's keeping her distance.

And yet when I think of this, I think of her cuddling up behind me at night. I think of the kiss goodbye in the mornings.... And I just feel a little lost.

I want to know whats wrong.. With me in general. Why I have such a hard time staying just generally happy and bright. Why I worry so about people leaving me. She says she loves me, and she's one of the most solid, truthful, honest people I know. She won't even tell me the little lies about me being handsome. Though truthfully that one lack of deception does sting a little.

It brings to light that I'm perfectly happy with her the way she is, and I find her attractive the way she is. But not so the other way around.. Oh, she finds me handsome, but physically I'm not appealing.

Maybe its just that because she's... I don't want to say MINE... But just take that as it is and don't take it to mean more than that. She's sexy because she's mine, because I love her, because I'm the only one who gets to see her in all her glory. Because I intend on spending the rest of my life with her, and my love for her makes her beautiful.

But I know I am merely handsome to her. And while that is not something, I would dearly love to be Sexy for her. And hence my new exercise regiment. Don't judge me for doing it for someone else, we all must have our motivation, and thats mine. One purr, one heated glance at me, one spark of desire at seeing me bare. Thats worth all the pain in the world to me right now.

*sighs*

Anyway.. I don't know where i was going with this, I just wanted to write and see if it helped me feel better. It really didn't, but at least I got it out.