Its been a good three weeks, all things considered, or however long its been. Time has, as usual, gotten strange. I waylaid a particularly nasty beasty I've lived with a long time, that being the one of major insecurity and jealousy. Only it was merely waylaid, not conquered. I thought I had it beat, thought I had it ground out and destroyed and no longer a part of me.
I was naive.
So I return my attentions to working on this, trying to eliminate it. Anyone who knows Zahrah even a shred, knows that she is incapable of infidelity. Its not in her nature. This has been hashed over before. So why do I return to being jealous of others? What is the true fear I experience in this case.
I think, perhaps, its a fear of my own weakness and imperfections. I want to be a better man for her, to be strong for her, to give her the love and respect she needs. And some part of me is afraid that I'll fail, fall short, and that one day she'll look at me with those regretful eyes and say "I can't do this anymore.".
As some would suspect, this feeling, in and of itself, can actually create behaviours that lead to that. A self-fulfilling prophecy I believe they call it.
Whatever the case, I'm working again to slay this beast, to put it down once and for all. Forever.
I will be healed.
