Strange but true... You see, I work on Saturdays.. So on Saturdays I wake up to my honey, who will be staying in bed a bit longer, and crawl off to my computer to work. Thats not so bad. But then she gets up, and heads downstairs for her day. At this point I get to listen to her laughing and having a good time hanging out with our roommate. This always creeps in and begins to bother me after a while. Mainly because... Well...
I'm no fun anymore.. I think I realize this, or maybe I'm wrong.. I don't know. But I don't *FEEL* like I'm any fun anymore. I feel like she laughs easier and louder with other people, that my company isn't what it once as for her. I'm sure this is true. After all, I tend to be trying so desperately just to get her approval, to see her smile or laugh at something I say or do. Because I feel lost, distant, and without any guide. Saturdays remind me that I'm broken more than any other day. They remind me how distant I feel from life in general, like I'm watching it go on around me and desperately want to be involved.
But when I try... I just stumble, say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I feel awkward and graceless. And it makes me feel lonely.
Sure, this isn't her problem. Or anyones problem but mine. I mentioned to her once how I feel about the whole 'laughing' thing. Not because I wanted her to change it, its not her responsibility. But because sharing that kind of thing is important, communication and all. She looked at me and said 'Maybe if you didn't look at it like a competition'.
I don't... I'm not jealous of him because he makes her laugh easier and louder.
I feel... Inadequate.. I feel like I've lost myself and my ability to make her smile. And I miss her smile being for me. Instead I seem to dampen a room when I walk into it now.
So anyway.. I hate Saturdays.. yes I do.
2 comments:
Jealousy will get you nowhere. You are only pushing her to him by your self-mutilation of your inner being, your self-demise of your inner worth. You attracted her to you when you could be just YOU...so what really has changed so dramatically that you must act like this? Did it start with the roommate? Their was something she fell in love with, within you...don't bury that under your doubt of this relationship. Just live as if today were your last...be thankful for what you have...though easier said than done, it can still be done. Will Power and perseverance can do wonders. I just recently had some tragedies in my life and I did not let it get me down forever..though I mourned for the situation, I moved on and knew that mourning forever is not going to change the fact. The only thing I could do was hold my head high and know that in the end I would succeed and survive. I put a smile on my face and walked forward...not turning back. Be strong, Be brave and always be You.
Who are YOU? ...in the end?
Interesting statements and questions Mr. Anony Mouse. And yet ones that have already crossed my mind and thoughts as I work my way through this. In spite of everything, I am doing better, but its a slow and gradual process.
Regardless, thank you for your comments, and being as frank as you are with me. Its certainly not unwelcome.
As for who *I* am? Well... I'm trying to rediscover that. :)
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