Under Loki's loving caress.. and my own foolishness.

*sighs*

Ya know.. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the habit of self-destructing my happy arrangements. I move to Portland, and finally get a job with a company I've been wanting to work for for the past three years.

And I manage to get fired within two weeks. Amazing neh? I know *I'M* impressed. *shakes his head* I just wish I could honestly say I did something heinously wrong. No.. Nothing of the sort. I was doing well on the phones, learning the systems fast, and picking up more and more every day.

It was, in the end, my wit that did me in. Or what passes for it. I won't go into it, except to say the following - 1. Nothing sexual or even vaguely inappropriate on that level was the cause. 2. It was not shirking work, I was impressing the hell out of my direct trainer. It was just my mouth, doing that magic dance that occasionally doesn't know when to stop, cutting into my plans and intentions with razor-like precision.

As I was riding home in the taxi they saw fit to get for me, rather than merely popping me 1.65$ for a bus pass.. *shakes his head, corporate spending*. I realized what I hated the worst in relation to the occurence today. Not my roommates, I got the first job quickly, they know I'll get another just as fast, and my final paycheck pays me up for July. It wasn't having to tell the parents of my children that that extra bit of insurance wouldn't be coming. That was merely embarrasing.

It was having to admit to the one person whos opinion of me matters, that I lost a job I had JUST started. For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed of this. I've been angry, upset, annoyed, embarrased. But never before have I been ashamed of something of this sort. I suppose one could say writing in this blog is the cowards way out of telling her, but I hope to tell her before she reads it. What writing in this blog is, is purging the thought from my head before it becomes a festering sore.

Amazing, isn't it? It is to me.

She already matters enough to me, that its her I'm afraid to let down. I feel like apologizing to her for this. *smiles softly*

Guess its just Jack N. coming out in me....

She makes me want to be a better man, and this.. *sighs* Makes me want to hide my head.

Oh, and in case anyones wondering.. No.. writing this did NOT make me feel better.