Coming of age.

Good evening good readers... Though its nearly morning. As usual, I have mountains to say, and just no idea of how to start. Its not a well known fact to many that I've been fighting an on-going battle with God. Yes.. That one. I've been Wiccan for many many years, but lately its all begun to feel very hollow. Very empty of what I used to find in it. And more and more, I found myself looking back into my life, and wondering about christianity. And I can't count the number of times somewhat recently, that I've found myself on the porch, looking up at the moon, and thinking about falling to my knees and crying out to him.

But my pride held me back. And more than that, fear. I've been Wiccan for *14* years, fully half of my life. To change this about myself, to give up on my faith of so many years. What would that mean? How could I turn my back on so much time. I kept running into people, who made me long to look, to turn away, and turn back to him. But always my fear kept me back.

I'm still afraid.

But they say that God works in mysterious ways. And apparently.. Its true. He made the fight easy for me. He played the Godfather. He gave me an offer I couldn't refuse. But.. Hear me out.

The light of my heart came to realization this past weekend. She realized she didn't know much of what I believed, but from what she'd heard others saying about it, she was concerned. So we started talking about it tonight. And she listened, and we talked. And she was in tears by the end of it, because she didn't know if it was something she could resolve within herself. To cross this boundary. She likened it, rather appropriately, to 'Fiddler on the Roof'. "If I bend that far, I'll break." But she was going to try. I could tell she didn't have much hope for it. By this point, I'd already admitted that my faith was weak, at the very beginning, before we got here. Its more than I've ever admitted to anyone.

And as we were both sitting there, our hearts breaking that this one thing should cause such turmoil... Call it his voice.. Call it my own.. Call it what you like. I heard a voice inside me say... "Is something you are so unsure of.. Worth it.. Is it worth this, when you've wanted to let go for so long anyway?" And let me tell you.. There have been plenty of signs. There's a friend who I respect a great deal, who I hate talking to.. Because whenever we get on the subject of faith. He made me want to believe as he did. That HURT. Its scary now... But the final straw was something I feared more than God. And that was losing someone who so quickly, has become so dear to me. That has made me alive, and glow, and utterly FLOWING with light. I haven't loved like this since childhood. So I told her this.. I talked to her about it. And most of all wanted her to know that I wasn't doing it for her.

I'm doing it for me....

So after 14 years of something I thought I believed. That I fought to believe.. I'm laying it down.. And listening to my heart. For the sake of my heart.

Watch out God.....

Here I come.