Prismed shades of darkness

Its night here in the valley, just after sunset. The diffused light of sunset still echoes its way through the caverns of the clouds, and Evanescence seems to fit the mood. Most of you who have read this journal have seen the light side of me, the bright shining in love me. Those of you who know me personally have seen the shadows, and know the darkness I carry within me, as every human soul does.

Tonight I'm sitting here, feeling the weight of a number of relationships gone poorly. Lessons learned from them, and not necessarily good ones, or the right ones. I've been fighting to get out from under the inertia of lifes lessons. I'm tired of them.

Zahrah is the most beautifully shining person I've known in my life, and few people who know her could argue that this is true of her. I know after nearly a year of being with her, I can't. She chose me to be part of her life, and has taken my ring and told me she wishes to be my bride. And I know I'm not worthy of her.

In my life, I have lied, stole, made promises and broke them, and treated the hearts of others carelessly, on occasion deliberately. But to be fair, like any, I've also had my heart trounced, beaten into submission, and while never literally, I have felt my heart and soul crawl into a corner, cover its head, and cry out "NO MORE!".

I do the best I can most days, working to be the best person I can. But there are rules I don't understand, things I just don't understand. And yet I know these things to be true, and understandable....

*looks at what he's written, and stops*

Not tonight..

I'm worn from a life of not knowing, not understanding, and learning rules that don't apply. I keep being told to let go, to be myself, and I want to scream. "THEY LEAVE MYSELF!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THEY *LEAVE* MYSELF!"

I am being myself, I'm being me. I don't know or understand how to be anything else, and yet I *KNOW* this isn't healthy, I know being what I have been forged into after all these years isn't what I want to be. But how do you let go of the damage, how do you pound out the dents?

I want to let the pain go, and be able to accept that the life I live today, with Zahrah in it.. Is where I can lay my head to rest, where I can be in peace. But memories don't want me to relax, long honed defenses fight against me, and don't want me to settle in and sigh....

Counseling? It sucks.. Let me just say that now. Its necessary, its needed, but it sucks.