Its interesting, looking back over my life, to find the places where I picked up my monkeys. The little bastards that hang on your back, with their idiot friends who worm their way into your head to teach you that a certain set of reactions is whats necessary in a situation.
Its horrifying, to see how the behaviours you learned or taught yourself affect those around you. And its terrifying to know you have to face these demons, these monkeys, and fight them off to regain who you are.
Things have been hard around the Valley these days, starting back in December/January when I started falling apart internally. Zahrah has been a trooper, strong and resilient, being there for me. But the problem is I haven't been able to be there for her, and its taking its toll.
I'm working to get better, to heal the lesions in my heart and soul caused by days gone by. I need to heal them and be better before I lose her. Which is something a bit more terrifying than I care to think about. I wish I could write something more poignant, something more full of meaning for what my life is right now. But I don't have much left in the way of eloquence these days either.
I've been doing counseling, and that wasn't helping in the sense of my counselor helping me, but it *DID* help me in the sense of me working my way through the process as best I can. I'm learning, listening, paying attention to the things going on inside me.
And these days, I'm getting stronger, little by little. But there is a *LONG* way to go, and I just hope that my Lady Zahrah can hold on until I'm done, until I'm better. So we can be the we we were again.
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