Just a random bit of brain vomit tonight... How do you deal with irrational fears? The kind that keep you up late, the kind that gnaw at the inside of your brain and gut and heart. You know that they're boundless, that there's nothing to be concerned about from that quarter... And yet it just sits there and gnaws and keeps you up.

It is a tribute to the lasting damage of being cheated on in the past that irrational fears will crop up. Even in a new relationship, where you know yourself to be completely safe, the old fears still assert themselves and dig in deep. The hardest part about these fears, aside from living with them in the dichotomy that your brain produces "There is nothing to fear." "There is *EVERYTHING* to fear." is knowing of the stresses and pressure it puts on the ones you love. The fear you exhibit wears on them, especially if they are the object of it.

How long can you go, being suspected, even if you know the person suspecting KNOWS better than what they suspect, but seems powerless to overcome it?

To put it straight, Zahrah is the most loving trust-worthy person I have ever known, and I have nothing to fear from her in the area of infidelity, most especially from another woman. But I still remember when that was not the case when another, and my heart still remembers the gripping terror and the rending pain caused when those fears came to fruition. I hate it, I want to let go of my old fears and just trust this woman who so dearly deserves it.

But these fears are not rational, and I know not how to face irrational fears. I'm talking to my shrink about it tomorrow, but I wish for Zahrahs sake I could turn it off tonight, and never have it turn on again.

Be patient with me love, I know without question that I can trust you not to hurt me in that way, or truly, to not hurt me at all. But memory is a painful mistress, and it does not want to let me forget, to let me stop worrying for fear it experiences that pain over again. So I sit, knowing I'm safe, and yet afraid...