Of life's little placebos.

Today's Muse This, and a conversation with a friend, led to this post today. The conversation pertained to a particularly fucked up scenario that played out in our little cadre of friends and associates... I'd say it ended, but in many ways it hasn't, and never will. Fix that broken vase with as much paint and superglue as you want, it'll still always show the cracks if you look close enough. But this post isn't about them, that situation is as well on it's way to being repaired as it can be. Honestly, I envy their strength even as I pity the strife and pain the situation caused. No... This is a post about me, and how I wish I could protect myself from what I want. I keep throwing myself into situations that are, frankly, inadvisable. I follow my heart, and maybe that's a lot of the drive and problem there, but follow it I do. And when it talks, it tries to convince me that I'm stronger than I think I am. That what is this obstacle in the face of what we want? Looking back on it, of course, one must ask the question... What exactly is it we want? And is what looks like what we want really what we want? Does this obstacle, this act of strength to survive it, make what we think we want, less of what we 'really' want? I don't know that there's a clear answer. Life has a nasty habit of not giving us anything free and clear, we can get everything we want, but it'll come at a price. Everything has it's price. Sometimes that price is a demand on our comforts, our boundaries, our beliefs. Sometimes that price requires that we sacrifice everything we once held dear and holy on a pyre. Sometimes it's just a little time and money. The question we have to ask, in the end, is is it worth it? I don't suppose that we ever really know. All I know is that there's a price I've chosen to pay. But every time the price comes up, every time I'm reminded that pay day is an eventuality, not an if, I feel a little more like a beaten puppy. There's a sense of 'this again' and knowing that there's no escaping it. I suppose at least this time it's just a matter of time, one knows, one does not suspect. In the end, what I decided I want may end up being the very poison that burns me out. I made this choice, this was not a thing anyone but I did. I wish I didn't think I was going to regret it so much, a part of me already does. But there are promises to be keep...