I'm trying to start a journey I should have started nearly four years ago. The one that deals with my issues and my pain, my loss, my fears. I'm going to start going to CODA, it is painfully apparent to me that I am, in fact, Codependent in a pretty severe way. I'm doing this in my blog here because.. well.. Maybe it's part of the codependency thing but I really don't want to feel alone in this. I don't expect anyone to read it, but at least I won't be hiding it anymore. In Chapter 2 of the book, there's a series of questions that ask some pretty serious questions. I figure a good place to start is answering these questions here.

1. Do I control others to relieve my fears? Jesus... I want to say no to this, I really do. But I can't. I look back at my relationships in general, and I realize that yes, yes I do. Or I try to, and if I fail to I get severely fucked up in my head. I ask things of them that address my fears, and get really flipped out if they don't do them. These behaviors, to my knowledge, relate almost exclusively to romantic relationships. I'd like to say that they don't extend to my friendships, but I can't say that with any definitiveness. I don't trust myself to make that assessment. But looking back at my last two relationships, and most glaringly my most recent, I really did try to control her behaviors from day one. At first it was professed to be out of concern for her, but later it became because I was scared, and scared led to hurting, and hurting led to me trying to control my environment so that I could be secure in it. I have a very hard time just letting things be, it seems like when I just let things be, people leave me. But then it's been so long since I've been able to successfully just let things be, that I can't say for sure. But I will say it is this specific behavior that did so much damage to my last relationship, and is what ultimately drove her away.

2. Do I let others control me for fear of their abuse or neglect? I kind of felt like this one was in direct contradiction to the first one, if I did one, how could I do the other. This one is, honestly, the harder of the two for me to admit. I don't like villainizing others, but the thing is, it's not necessarily something they do knowingly. *I'm* letting them control my behaviors with them having any idea that that's what's happening. Instead of talking to them about the behaviors that make me start acting this way, I stop doing the things that make them do this. This may seem a perfectly reasonable response, and in moderation, it is in fact a perfectly reasonable response. I do not necessarily do this in moderation. It'll take a bit of time to really think about this and pick it apart, but I know it's something I do, even when the other person isn't seeking to control me. And it breeds resentment, which cycles back to the 1st question because I don't like resenting people I Care about.

3. Do I adapt or change my behaviors for others? See #2, yes. Doing things that I perceive that will make them happy, make them love me, keep them from leaving me. Again, this is almost purely a 'Romantic Relationship' behavior, my friendships I tend to be outspoken and fearless with my opinions. Though I don't feel very outspoken or fearless right now. And honestly, a lot of that outspoken and fearless may just be bluster. Dunno.

4. Do I validate my value and worth as a person through them? Especially the people I get into romantic relationships with. They loved me, thought I was wonderful and wanted me to be part of their lives. If that changes then I must have changed in some way that is no longer lovable. If I'm not lovable what good am I? And why did they stop loving me? They're so amazing and wonderful it couldn't be them. Then there's another fear, that it isn't me, which means it's just fate, which means I can never rely on any kind of stability in my life. Everyone will leave me eventually, and what does that say about me? Do I not deserve to be loved, to part of someones life till the end?

5. Do I avoid others to feel safe? Yeah, especially after a break-up. But even during the relationship I tend to start withdrawing from my friends to be with my partner. There's nothing inherently wrong with this at first, but I think in the back of my mind is the thought 'If we don't hang out with anyone else, she won't meet anyone else, she won't find out I'm worthless, she won't fall in love with anyone else, she won't leave me'. Which is completely totally unfucking healthy, I know that.

Well, it's a start, and there's definitely some heavy truths in there. They all scare the hell out of me. My understanding is that codependence is a lot like alcoholism, you never really stop being codependent.