So, today has been kind of a day. It's full of good forward steps, and some terrifying visits from Pandora's Curse. I got in touch with my Therapist today, had a short 30min+ session, and then started talking about arranging regular therapy visits. This is a good thing. But before that, I talked to Mandi for a good 40 minutes, and 10 minutes after. This was.. It's a really difficult thing. Our conversation was easy, friendly. But every moment of it, hearing her voice, made me miss her more, but was also a rapture. We're still friends, if I can hack that. But that's it. When I asked her if there was a chance at all, she said "If there wasn't a chance in hell, I wouldn't be talking to you." She wants to keep in touch, wants to keep talking. But I don't know what that means, and really neither does she. That scares me so much. Because it's hope, and hope is a dangerous thing. My therapist, Kim, told me. "Your job right when you talk to her, is to be there for her. To listen to what's going on with her and her father's treatment. Focus on what she needs from you." and "Be in the moment when you talk to her.". To which I took to mean "Don't worry about the future, just be her friend, and let whatever happens come a day at a time." I'm working on taking this advice. I also took steps to get my schedule rearranged so that my schedule allows me to get to the CODA meetings on Wednesday nights. Little nervous about my first meeting of this type, but excited too. Ultimately, I'm tired of hurting, of getting lost, of hurting others with my Codependent behavior. It's one thing for a relationship to just not work out, it's another for it to be destroyed from within by one of the partners having a disease. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm sure I've mentioned this, but if I haven't, I want to express this. All I've ever wanted in my life was to have a wife, kids, a picket fence. None of the elements outside of it mattered. I wanted my partner to be someone I got along with, who didn't just accept me, but loved me for who I was with all my foibles. I feel like I've repeatedly had this taken away from me. Looking at it now I'm wondering how many times I took it away from myself, and after starting to take a critical look at myself, I'm beginning to think that ratio may be pretty high. It needs to stop.