Just a random bit of brain vomit tonight... How do you deal with irrational fears? The kind that keep you up late, the kind that gnaw at the inside of your brain and gut and heart. You know that they're boundless, that there's nothing to be concerned about from that quarter... And yet it just sits there and gnaws and keeps you up.

It is a tribute to the lasting damage of being cheated on in the past that irrational fears will crop up. Even in a new relationship, where you know yourself to be completely safe, the old fears still assert themselves and dig in deep. The hardest part about these fears, aside from living with them in the dichotomy that your brain produces "There is nothing to fear." "There is *EVERYTHING* to fear." is knowing of the stresses and pressure it puts on the ones you love. The fear you exhibit wears on them, especially if they are the object of it.

How long can you go, being suspected, even if you know the person suspecting KNOWS better than what they suspect, but seems powerless to overcome it?

To put it straight, Zahrah is the most loving trust-worthy person I have ever known, and I have nothing to fear from her in the area of infidelity, most especially from another woman. But I still remember when that was not the case when another, and my heart still remembers the gripping terror and the rending pain caused when those fears came to fruition. I hate it, I want to let go of my old fears and just trust this woman who so dearly deserves it.

But these fears are not rational, and I know not how to face irrational fears. I'm talking to my shrink about it tomorrow, but I wish for Zahrahs sake I could turn it off tonight, and never have it turn on again.

Be patient with me love, I know without question that I can trust you not to hurt me in that way, or truly, to not hurt me at all. But memory is a painful mistress, and it does not want to let me forget, to let me stop worrying for fear it experiences that pain over again. So I sit, knowing I'm safe, and yet afraid...

The monkey on your back... and its idiot friends.

Its interesting, looking back over my life, to find the places where I picked up my monkeys. The little bastards that hang on your back, with their idiot friends who worm their way into your head to teach you that a certain set of reactions is whats necessary in a situation.

Its horrifying, to see how the behaviours you learned or taught yourself affect those around you. And its terrifying to know you have to face these demons, these monkeys, and fight them off to regain who you are.

Things have been hard around the Valley these days, starting back in December/January when I started falling apart internally. Zahrah has been a trooper, strong and resilient, being there for me. But the problem is I haven't been able to be there for her, and its taking its toll.

I'm working to get better, to heal the lesions in my heart and soul caused by days gone by. I need to heal them and be better before I lose her. Which is something a bit more terrifying than I care to think about. I wish I could write something more poignant, something more full of meaning for what my life is right now. But I don't have much left in the way of eloquence these days either.

I've been doing counseling, and that wasn't helping in the sense of my counselor helping me, but it *DID* help me in the sense of me working my way through the process as best I can. I'm learning, listening, paying attention to the things going on inside me.

And these days, I'm getting stronger, little by little. But there is a *LONG* way to go, and I just hope that my Lady Zahrah can hold on until I'm done, until I'm better. So we can be the we we were again.

Prismed shades of darkness

Its night here in the valley, just after sunset. The diffused light of sunset still echoes its way through the caverns of the clouds, and Evanescence seems to fit the mood. Most of you who have read this journal have seen the light side of me, the bright shining in love me. Those of you who know me personally have seen the shadows, and know the darkness I carry within me, as every human soul does.

Tonight I'm sitting here, feeling the weight of a number of relationships gone poorly. Lessons learned from them, and not necessarily good ones, or the right ones. I've been fighting to get out from under the inertia of lifes lessons. I'm tired of them.

Zahrah is the most beautifully shining person I've known in my life, and few people who know her could argue that this is true of her. I know after nearly a year of being with her, I can't. She chose me to be part of her life, and has taken my ring and told me she wishes to be my bride. And I know I'm not worthy of her.

In my life, I have lied, stole, made promises and broke them, and treated the hearts of others carelessly, on occasion deliberately. But to be fair, like any, I've also had my heart trounced, beaten into submission, and while never literally, I have felt my heart and soul crawl into a corner, cover its head, and cry out "NO MORE!".

I do the best I can most days, working to be the best person I can. But there are rules I don't understand, things I just don't understand. And yet I know these things to be true, and understandable....

*looks at what he's written, and stops*

Not tonight..

I'm worn from a life of not knowing, not understanding, and learning rules that don't apply. I keep being told to let go, to be myself, and I want to scream. "THEY LEAVE MYSELF!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THEY *LEAVE* MYSELF!"

I am being myself, I'm being me. I don't know or understand how to be anything else, and yet I *KNOW* this isn't healthy, I know being what I have been forged into after all these years isn't what I want to be. But how do you let go of the damage, how do you pound out the dents?

I want to let the pain go, and be able to accept that the life I live today, with Zahrah in it.. Is where I can lay my head to rest, where I can be in peace. But memories don't want me to relax, long honed defenses fight against me, and don't want me to settle in and sigh....

Counseling? It sucks.. Let me just say that now. Its necessary, its needed, but it sucks.

A week of introspection.

So.. Starting a week ago Thursday I started seeing a Cranial Reduction Expert. (AKA Head Shrink AKA Psychiatrist). Honestly, its been a long time coming. But its made me start looking at the world in a whole new way. Oddly, this isn't as a result of anything my counselor has done or said, but more a result of the act of beginning counseling. Which isn't to say she hasn't been useful in her own way. Some of the things I spend my time thinking about are a result of something she touched on, and then moved on.

Some of the things I've learned about myself is that I suffer from a number of symptoms of Codependency, and more likely than not, am in fact quite codependent. As far as I can tell, not to the extremes of the examples given in the book I'm reading, but definitely a significant to very definite level of them.

Little things like not knowing what I really think about something. I wouldn't have thought that my well known reaction to someone asking me directly what I think/feel about something (That reaction being drawing a complete and utter blank as my mind goes empty at the question) was actually a symptom of this.

I could go into more examples, but I'd have to take the time to dredge out the book and point a few out. Suffice to say that the phrase 'Difficulty Owning Reality' applies to me more than I like to admit.

But one of the other results of this journey I'm starting is the realization that I father the same way my father does. From a distance. My father was a good provider for the family, but the majority of the financial support for the family came from my mother. At least VISUALLY. Truthfully it was likely much more even than it appeared as my father had a significant military stipend on top of his work income. But to me, as a child, I knew my mother provided most of the financial support for the family.

He and I weren't very close, though he was always welcoming to me when I approached him. But we didn't do much together, except for fishing. Which I'll be the first to admit I looked forward to every year. How that tradition ended is a subject for another post. But mostly my father was distant, he was just 'there'. It was comforting to know he was there, but there wasn't any real interaction with him. Watching TV with him was one of the most common ways we had of relating. And even then we didn't talk, we merely cohabitated the same room and didn't speak. This was, visually, much the same relationship he had with my mother. Somewhere along the road I got the impression that because he rarely spoke to her outside of their room (though they were always affectionate towards each other), they must do all their talking in there. (This is also likely a result of hearing muffled conversations from there). This is another thing I seem to have taken from him.

Anyway, I gotta go for now.. But wanted to get this out of my head and onto 'paper'.

Arcadian Dreams

I started this post somewhere else, but I think I'll continue it here.

Everyone in life has dreams.. Dreams are a very important part of who we are. In some places dreams have been thought of as prophetic, even in the Bible this idea was put forth. In others they were the visitations of the ancestors, or travelling outside your body, or in the case of the aborigines of Australia.. They were reality, and waking life was the dream.

That being said, we all have simpler dreams.. Dreams of a better life, a better car, a better job.

My dream has always been of a better game. But the definition of 'better' is dependent upon the individual.

In my perfect game, nothing comes easy, and you have to work for every step. Sometimes individually, sometimes as a group.

http://www.atitd.com, A tale in the desert came very close to this, but still lacks some vital elements. Some of those elements are in the people playing. This game permits the people playing it to write their own laws, their own justice system. And they respond with apathy, with a complete lack of interest in passing anything that doesn't just give them free stuff. But imagine the ability to completely craft your own game society with your own rules?

How can people not be interested in something like this? I truly don't understand it, but Apathy is what I find.

So I've started working on my own concept for a game.. It'll likely never get written, but it soothes me to write about it. Of course, I won't share the idea just yet.. But in time..

For now, I wander off... Just had to put that out there.

An evening at home.

Good evening folks, its been a long time since I posted anything here, but I decided perhaps tonight I'd write another post. Its been hard to write, I've either been distracted, or playing my cards close to my chest. Old habits? Maybe.

First bit to report, Zahrah and I are doing fairly well, all things considered, though finding another job has been... Difficult. And my old habits of procrastination are setting in, making it difficult to get anything done. Including working on my soaps and such, trying really hard to overcome that. But most of the time I feel so damned tired.

It occured to me recently, that I desperately want to vanish into the quiet of my fantasies and dreams. Its so hard here in what you all call real life, and I find so little of meaning in it most days. Could just be my weariness talking, or just train of thought writing. Don't really know.

"No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith. And that, I fear, for any reasoning, conscious being, would be the cruelest trick of all." --Drizzt Do'Urden, Forgotten Realms

I toss this into the blog because its how I feel about life in general. There are many things I believe in, because to not believe in them would put me in the most terrifying place I can imagine. I can only relate it to a faithful christian being in a world with no question that god does *NOT* exist. Imagine that emptiness, that utter vacancy where your once your faith had lived. That for me is a world without magic, without ghosts, without beasts that haunt the deep and crawl through darkest hours. What world could be so cold, and empty, as to lack the terrors and ecstacies that our ancient brethren believed in? In every land there were demons, monsters in the dark, and miracles in the forest.

I believe they still exist, and crawl through the dark where we cannot see them, they are the monsters in the alleys, the beasts in the sewers. When children fear the thing under the bed, to quote Terry Pratchet, its because they damn well know it exists.

But I digress... I'm tired tonight, bone and soul, and trying to find a little light. Doubtless I will find it as I always do, in the one place the sun always shines on my soul. The heart of my worlds magic, my beloved Zahrah.

So folks, I'll try to write more here, no guarantees though, life tends to take precedence over many things that otherwise matter to us.

Rest well.. May your dreams forever show you what your heart truly desires.

Find your peace..

Find your peace..
In the mixing of the form,

the shaping of the mold,

the pouring of the wax.

 

In the bubbling sizzle,

the warming glow,

the rising odors,

of scents in the air.

 

Watch the candle burn,

as the creation take its shape,

Be lost in your own place,

as you bring form to idea.

 

Pass it to others,

and share with them the joy,

of the hours spent toiling,

amidst home and life.

 

The rain may fall outside,

but within the work goes on.

And you never mind the passing,

of moonlight into dawn.

 

For its forged by your own hands,

and shared throughout the winds,

and the joy found in the making,

is all that life need mean.

 

Test

Just testing my outgoing mail.

Work Based Thought of the day

This is a thought that only works for women (for reasons soon to be obvious):

 

Whenever a celebrity you think is hot turns out to be gay (provided its male and you swing that way), just remember.

 

This means no other girl will have him either. :)

This has been your 'Mr. Brightside' Moment.

Autumn Rains

Its rainy today, out here in the valley.  The mists clings to the ground like a blanket, cloaking everything in just a bit of magic and mystery.    Its been this way the last couple of days, each morning bringing either a blanket of fog, or the misty sheets of rain making the distant mountains fade into mere shadows.   In these times the valley is even more enclosing, more homelike.

 

Its on days like these that I am loathe to leave the valley, to head out to the more 'civilized' areas of the world.  Out into Mount Vernon, and Burlington.  Even Sedro Woolley is too close to the clash and clamour of the outside world on days like these.   Deep in the valley, days like these are silent, every sound muffled.  Even the crow of the roosters in the yard sound like distant.

 

On days like these, the world is far away.   And while I'm at work, surrounding by the harsh glare of florescent lights, the music of today that clashes so hard against the place my heart lives, I'm still a little more at peace inside.  I know that tonight, the mists will remain, and the silent green of the valley awaits me.

 

Home is the place your soul rests.

A day...

Yeah, today ain't the hottest day on the planet.   Its generally been kind of blah and unpleasant, I've discovered a bevy of earlier mistakes I made at work.  My only vindication is that of the 2 pages of errors, not all of them are mine, and in fact, some of them are my co-workers.  (She who rarely makes errors. :) )

 

Then I call home and discover that my darling Zahrah's new/used video card may have just bit the big one.   This is me being a pessimist, but it doesn't sound good.  

 

In short,   I'm vaguely bummed,  I'm a little stressed, and I wanna go home.. *sniffle*

 

One of lifes little ironies.

So I'm sitting here at work this morning, and for some reason this stray thought crosses my mind.

 

"Ya know, if that overzealous person hadn't shot Larry Flynt, he'd be dead by now."

 

Now, I'm a big supporter of Flynt and his work, not that I particularly care for his magazine, but the fact that he's one of the Porn gods gives him a special place in the warm cockles of my heart.  He's also one of the reasons we have such a free and flourishing adult entertainment industry.. Yes, this means I approve of him.  Say what ya like.

 

But the point of the matter.

 

His wife died of AIDS after he was shot, a bullet which, incidentally, removed his ability to engage in conjugal <sp?> relations with her.  (They weren't monogamous).   Because of this, he never contracted AIDS from her.  She's long since passed from the world, and Larrys alive and relatively well.

 

That bullet saved his life.. Congratulations dumbass.

 

This has been your random thought for the day.

The gods have listened..

Today, I learned that the gods *DO* occasionally listen to us puny mortals.

 

 

Behold, the Payday Avalanche..  Take a payday candy bar, dip it in chocolate...

 

Yum...

 

 

That is all.

I live.. No really.

    Hey folks, I know its been a long time since I've written here.  Life has been a combination of crazy busy, and too lazily good to.. well.. write about. :)   Things are happy here, a little more so every day.  This weekend past I wound up sick as a dog...  Now isn't that an interesting phrase?  When was the last time you saw a truely ill dog as a normal thing?  Anyway...

 

    I did however get to truly see a wonderful new side of Zahrah this weekend past as I was lying in a wretched fever and exhausted beyond all recognition.  She took wonderful care of me, offering every time I stirred in my sleep throughout the night to get up and get me anything I needed.  (In her sleep I might add, she only remembers asking once).

 

    And then when I had to stay home from work, no grief, no lamenting the loss of money, even briefly.  Just agreeing it was a good idea to help me rest and recover so I didn't get sicker.  She truly is a wonderful caretaker, and I'm lucky to have her.  As everyone (and I do mean everyone) who has met her who knew me previously has said.  I can't express to anyone how lucky I am.  I love her *SO* much, and its so easy to do.

 

    Anyway, I do need to end this here, but wanted t'let y'all know I'm still alive.

 

Ciao

A post to post the post a post!

Good day readers. Just wanted to post in and try to give some kind of explanation for that last post.

Life's been nutz the past year or so, and honestly, thats no excuse for a father to not stay in contact with his kids. But, thats what I did. Trying to stabilize and get some sense of order in my life, I failed to maintain contact with my children.

Thankfully children are remarkably forgiving, and I have reestablished contact with that part of my life, and I've no intention of ever letting that be out of my list of priorities again. Not that it ever was, but that would require far more explanation tonight than I really feel like going into.

Until then, that was the mystery..

Over and out.

Real Fear

Real fear is wondering if your children will ever want to see you again.
And knowing its noones fault but your own if they don't.

This is my thought for the day.
Explanation to come later.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

*lies in a pool of drool on his desk, snoring contentedly*

Ok ok.. No.. I'm awake, but I'd very much *LIKE* to be asleep. Apparently the weather change (YAY RAIN!) has made me sleepy. Seems like perfect napping weather, a cup of warm tea, my Turkish Flower curled up next to me, and just listening to the rain fall. Nice image, no?

Well, instead I'm at work. And ya know, that ain't so bad either. In the last few days I've come to like my co-workers a great deal, my supervisor is an amusing guy who reminds me in a very distant way of Tim Taylor, and my boss. *heh* He's a big guy, and he smiles and laughs alot. This bodes well for my future here. I'm also picking up the work fast and digging right in and enjoying the hell out of it. Yes, that makes me a touch of a geek, as its all data entry, but its *INTERESTING* data entry. I'm not lookin' at the same stuff all day, I start a project, finish a project, move on to the next project. And my inbox overfloweth. (This is not entirely typical, even my teammates have gasped when they saw the loads coming in)

On an amusing note, things I've been meaning to mention the past few days:

1. The Divine Secrets of the 'Yeah yeah' sisterhood. Nikki, my trainer, is cute in that 'friends annoying kid sister' kinda way, and one of her habits is to respond to any comment requiring a positive with an overly cheerful 'Yeah yeah!'. Which made me snicker quietly to myself the first couple of times I heard it, and when I mentioned it in passing, it turns out that its a habit she learned from her grandmother. Apparently, 'Nah nah' is also part of their vocabulary, and I'm not alone in finding this habit incredibly amusing. So apparently, they are in on some of the 'Divine Secrets of the Yeah Yeah Sisterhood' and her Grandmother is the headmistress. *shrugs* I don't expect you to laugh, it was funny being there.

2. The coolest, flowers.. EVER.. I believe are called 'Chocolate Cosmos'... Observe.

These little blaggards *SMELL* exactly like a rich chocolate cocoa. They are, in a word, divine. I will have some for my garden. Seriously, I mean, chocolate scented flowers? This goes right up there with beer.. "Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin had it ALMOST right. "Chocolate Cosmos are proof..." Seriously folks.. Yum.. CHocolate.. Damn.. I think I'd eat them though. Which has potential.. I wonder A. If they're edible, and B. What they taste like. (Eyes the flowers on Nikki's desk with renewed interest)

3. A bit of a tirade on my part: Why the hell should people be expected to do more than they're paid to do?
Now, I'm playing the devil's advocate here for a minute, as I love learning new things and picking up new projects. So lets assume for a moment, that when you start a job, you get a job description. In that job description one finds a list of the things that is expected of you for that job. You get offered the job, and accept the job. Boom. You now know what you have to do.

Rant begins:
Now lets assume the following: One day, having completed everything on your list of things 'in your job description', you are approached by your employer noticing you lounging and generally enjoying reaping the rewards of a job well done. They suddenly want to know why you aren't working "Done." "Well can't you find something else to do?"

Correct me if I'm wrong but 'Everything in my job description has been completed, you want me to do more, pay me more' should be an acceptable answer to this. I agreed to do a particular set of tasks, for a particular wage. More tasks = more money in my mind. Seriously, is there anyone out there who can contest this as a purely logical conclusion?

No, this didn't happen to me, and no, I'm not SOLIDLY on the side of those who agree with the above. But I see its logic, and certainly don't think you should be punished for being efficient. Should be an encouragement to get all your work done quicker, neh? Me, like I said, I like learning new things, and so jump at the idea of new work once the old is done. But I don't think ANYONE should be expected to do more than they're paid to do, and what they're paid to do is included in their job description when they get hired on.

Rant ends.

4. Ok.. I'm catching up here, so bear with the verboseness. I'd like to throw a thank you to all those incompetents out there.. No really.. I love 'em. Hell, I've probably even *BEEN* them at one point or another. But seriously. I keep hearing: You're *SO* much faster to catch on than the last person was, they had to keep asking the same questions for the entire duration of their stay here and kept making the same mistakes over and over again.

So, I'm performing below what I consider acceptable standards, not moving *NEARLY* as fast as I think I should, and I find out the following: A. I'm exceeding production levels, and B. Obviously due to A, I'm doing better than the last one did during her entire stay here. What this means is, ultimately, I can perform below my own personal standards, and *STILL* be exceeding requirements. Everyone high-five the incompetents of the world for lowering the bar for the rest of us.

*thinks* I think I pretty much covered everything I wanted to talk about today... Though there's something itching at the back of my brain from earlier today that isn't quite coming forward. I'll post about that when I remember what the heck it is.

A beautiful morning.

Moved Here

That work thing..

Good morning campers!! Up and at 'em! Its a bright new da..

Oh Scupper it, just go back to sleep. I would've this morning.

But the reason I haven't is particularly good news! I started a job today work.. Well, never mind where I work, suffice to say you wouldn't want to hear from me. But I *AM* working, and that makes all the difference.

Good news - My co-workers are pretty decent people so far, bright and amusing with decent senses of humor.

I give myself a week before I manage to offend one of them. :-)

The work itself is pretty straightforward and simple thus far, nothin' too horrid, and contrary to the warnings I've been given, the phone is *NOT* ringing off the hook. Of course, this is only day 1.

Weird factors - I've never been paid once a month before, and thats going to take some adjustment.

Now, computer facilities.. ALl in all, pretty decent, got your email, your web stuff, able to get to my web emails...
The problem (not really) is that I only have access to web based messengers, and Yahoo has, yet again, gotten on my shit list in that department. Yahoo doesn't *HAVE* a web based messenger. So take heed!

If you want to talk to me between the hours of 12:30pm-1:30pm PST, when I get on for my bit of mid-day recreation, ye'd best be gettin' an MSN messenger, and adding aodhan_an_chalaidh@hotmail.com to it so's I can *TALK* to you!

But aside from that, things are going well...

Now I just need my fans and fountains. :) This desk is kinda dreary..

Oh, and the office music? Varies from horrible to.. well.. AC/DC's 'Hells Bells' is playing right now. *rocks out*

December 2005 - Be Silent

Be Silent

Be silent.
Choose to be silent.
Do not let words be your excuse
To forget who you are or ignore
The world around you.
Still the chatter
Of conflicting thoughts;
Things to do and places
To be.
Silence the television,
The radio,
The computer.
Turn off the lights,
The ringer on the phone,
And cover the clocks.
Be still.
Discover your soul
When everything else has become silent
And all that remains is the sound
Of rain falling on the roof.

-copyright by Zahrah, December 2005 (No More Illusions Blog Author)